breathe out breathe in
by Brandywine421
Summary: This is a future fic, based around Ryan and an original character developed from a prompt from Overnighter.  Sunflowers provides the canon for Ryan's childhood, season four does not apply.  An outsider's perspective on Ryan Atwood and his family.
1. one

Author's note: I haven't posted anything here for a while, I have been writing OC fic prolifically on my livejournal, but haven't posted anything here for...a long time. So I'm considering putting some of my finished stories here because I know some people prefer the chapter and layout features of ffnet.

Author's note 2: This fic was inspired by a prompt from _overnighter _and betaed in its early chapters by _beachtree, themusrevenge, katwoman,_ and _loracj2_. It follows a previous fic I wrote that can be found on FFnet titled "Sunflowers" but it is not necessary to read that to understand this story. This is a future fic that was written before season four and is an AU.

AN3: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy. This fic is complete, it is nine chapters and I will be adding them here as I get them converted.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything OC related.

_Father of mine__  
__Tell me what do you see__  
__When you look back at your wasted life__  
__And you don't see me_

"God…" Dennis coughed, covering his mouth and nose to try and muffle the overwhelming scent of decay that had risen from the mound of rags behind the dumpster. "Here's another one…" he realized.

Temperatures had been in the upper 90s for the past week and they were finding bodies left and right. Dennis hated this part of his job more than all the other shitty parts. "Unit 421 to dispatch, we've got another body at 124 Recida," he radioed into his shoulder mic, waiting until they confirmed that they were sending backup.

"What you got?" Tommy asked, joining him.

"Dead bum number two for the day," he replied, pulling on a pair of gloves and leaning down through the stench to move the rags aside to get a better look. The coroner stayed busy around here and they relaxed the rules when it came to the bums simply to expedite things.

"Looks like dehydration and heat again," Tommy grunted, kicking at an empty bottle of _Wild Irish Rose_.

Dennis felt the bum's stiff limbs through the pungent clothes and patted him down, coming away finally with a ragged wallet.

"Any ID?" Tommy asked, surprised. Usually the bums didn't have anything on them.

"Nah," he said, pulling out a couple of frayed pawn tickets and business cards so damaged with age and wear that the ink was illegible. But at the back of the cards were several pictures. He passed over the wallet to his partner and examined the faded photos.

A woman, smiling beside a taller man with two blondish boys at their feet. The picture was crooked, as if the taker had tilted the camera when he hit the button. On the back in blue ink were two words and a date. _The Atwoods - 1995_.

21 years ago this man had a family and now Dennis had to tell them that he was dead in a gutter. He wondered if anybody cared.

-------------------------------

"Hey! Where'd you get that from?" Shannon asked, taking the chocolate cookies out of her oldest daughter's grasp and putting them back in the high cabinet with the other 'forbidden' sweets.

"But Daddy said I could have it!" Colleen whined, pouting over her cereal.

"You know that cookies for breakfast makes your stomach hurt," Shannon sighed, grabbing an apple from the bowl on the counter and holding it out to her daughter.

"Stupid apple," she mumbled, but took the fruit.

Shannon still hadn't seen her other daughter - her baby - _her nemesis_, this morning… Colleen had been a textbook child, but Kelly was a bucketful of problems. Just like her mother. Colleen was cool and collected, like her daddy and Kelly was short-tempered and fiery, like mom.

Shannon hadn't really wanted kids, she'd actually never really given it much thought. But she'd never really thought she'd get married either. Men were assholes, mostly. But after meeting Ryan, she'd quickly changed her mind about a lot of things.

"Where is your daddy?" she asked Colleen. If Ryan and Kelly were both MIA from morning breakfast…it usually meant that she was going to have to clean something up before she went to work.

"Helping Kelly with her homework - she flaked again," Colleen answered, swinging her feet in the chair in a lively beat against the legs.

Shannon wasn't sure how a six-year old could _flake_ on anything, but since six-year olds had homework, she assumed it could happen. What was really interesting to her was that her 7-year old knew what '_flaking'_ was.

Motherhood wasn't a perfect fit, but she made it work. She loved her daughters, more than anything else. At one point in her life she'd never have believed that her children would be the most important thing to her.

She found Ryan in the hallway with his back to her, obviously doing something she wasn't supposed to know about.

"Boo," she whispered, sneaking up on him and poking him in the back. He jumped, his blue eyes bright with laughter – yet flashing with guilt, too.

"Uh oh," he said, gruffly.

"What are you doing? You're both going to be late," Shannon scolded, but her curiosity was piqued.

"Daddy said I could wear my favorite outfit," Kelly announced, bounding into the hallway and wrapping her arms around Shannon's legs.

Shannon narrowed her eyes and glared at her husband. "Ryan?"

"She loves it," Ryan said, motioning to the pink tutu over the Spongebob shorts and sequined NASA shirt. She had on her boots with the fur lining on as footwear and Shannon couldn't deny the pleading look in those tiny blue eyes. She had her father's eyes and they were Shannon's main weakness.

She couldn't deny Ryan's eyes.

"Those boots are going to make your feet sweat all day," Shannon warned, relenting.

"I know, silly, that's why I'm taking these to change into," Kelly replied, rolling her eyes and holding up her sandals that lit up when she walked in them.

Ryan laughed quietly as she took her permission and ran into the kitchen to join her sister.

"You're spoiling them," Shannon said, leaning against him when he put his arm around her waist.

"Me? Who let them stay up and watch Fraggle Rock even though it gives them nightmares?" he scoffed.

Well. She had done that, but mainly because she had wanted to watch it, too. "That was different."

"You want me to take them to school?" he asked.

"I got it, I have to talk to Colleen's teacher again to make sure everything's clear so she can go to that dance competition next month."

"Oh, yeah, remind me to take off that week from work," he said, kissing her below the ear.

"Hey, stop that, we've got to get to work," Shannon giggled. She wished he didn't have to stop – and he didn't, sliding his hands to cup her ass and sucking her bottom lip into his mouth.

"Work can wait…" he mumbled.

He kissed her the same way he'd kissed her on their wedding day - deep and passionate and full of love. He loved her. Ryan Atwood loved her. It made her feel just as good as it had the first time he'd said it out loud.

"Mommy! Daddy! Kelly's climbing on the counters again!" Colleen yelled from the kitchen as the phone started to ring.

"I'll get the phone," Ryan smirked, turning to search for the cordless that seemed to crawl off the handset every day.

"If its Kirsten, see if she wants to meet me for lunch, I'll be on her side of town," Shannon told him, hurrying to the kitchen.

"Gotcha," he said, waving the phone from the bathroom before raising it to his ear.

Kelly was reaching for the cookies Shannon had put in the high cabinet, balanced on the tiptoes of her furry boots. Shannon scooped her up in a single arm and put her safely back in her seat, putting an apple in front of her.

"Stupid apple," Kelly grumbled.

"Yours is shinier than mine, I want it," Colleen said, reaching for her sister's apple.

"No! It's mine!" Kelly said then, clutching the apple to her chest possessively.

Shannon sighed, wondering if she was going to have to peel both apples before they were satisfied, when she saw Ryan step into the kitchen.

She knew right away that something was wrong. His face was drawn and his blue eyes dull. There was no color in his skin and even the girls shut up when they saw him standing in the doorway.

"Ryan?" she called, stepping over.

"I have to go, my father just died," he said quietly in her ear, walking past her and out the door to the garage.

"Girls, stay here, I'll be right back," she said, following him at a trot, not wanting to lose him. "Ryan, wait!"

Sandy was a healthy man and she needed to know what was happening. She knew Ryan would be devastated if something happened to him but surely he wouldn't just take off…

He was about to close the door to his truck when she caught up with him. "Ryan, what the hell?"

"It's nothing for you to worry about. I'll take care of it. But I need to go," he said through the open window as he started the car.

"Ryan…" she started again.

"I can't explain right now," he muttered, backing out of the garage before she could say anything else.

This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all.

"Mommy?" Kelly peeked out from the kitchen. "Daddy forgot his lunch and his briefcase and everything…" Shannon saw Ryan's lunchbag and leather case clutched in her tiny hands.

She couldn't let her emotions show in front of the girls so she plastered a smile on her face. "He'll be all right, honey, he just had an emergency he needed to take care of. Go get your backpack and tell your sister to get her things…" she said, taking the items from her and brushing the strands of hair that had escaped from her ponytail behind her ears.

Kelly seemed satisfied and scampered away but Colleen didn't get up from the table.

"What's wrong with Daddy?" she asked.

"He had an emergency and had to go…it's nothing to worry about," Shannon promised, trying not to show how much she was lying about the worry part.

"He didn't kiss us goodbye and he always kisses us goodbye," Colleen whispered as she pushed the chair back and took her dish to the sink.

Shannon gave her an impulsive hug. "I'm sorry, baby, he'll kiss you when he gets home, he just didn't have time today."

"You tell him he owes us," Colleen grumbled, reluctantly leaving the kitchen and going to her room.

Shannon needed to think. Ryan's father was dead. Was Kirsten okay? Where were Seth and Summer?

She needed information. Now. She picked up the phone and dialed her parents-in-law automatically.

One ring. Two rings. Kirsten's voice answered cheerily.

"Kirsten? Is…is everything all right?" she asked, realizing with horror that Kirsten might not know yet – what if Ryan was on his way to get her to tell her in person – what if she had made a huge mistake?

"I think so, why?"

"Where's Sandy today?" she asked warily.

"Well, at the moment he's on his hands and knees in his office looking for his briefs."

Shannon didn't say anything, processing the information.

"His legal briefs," Kirsten laughed. "Sorry, he lost some faxes from his office and he's tearing up the house looking for them. What's going on?"

Shannon felt very stupid all of a sudden. Sandy wasn't Ryan's real father. She fucking knew that. They had different last names, she was Shannon Atwood, not Cohen – he didn't even call him 'dad' – how could she be so ignorant?

"Shannon?"

"Ryan, he…" she started but lost her voice when the girls walked into the room with their backpacks discussing apples good-naturedly. "Can I call you back? I…I really need to talk to you, but I have to get the girls to school. Will you do me a favor in the meantime?"

"Of course," Kirsten answered, her voice laced with worry.

"Can you try to get Ryan on the phone?" she asked, making sure the girls couldn't hear her. "I can't do it where the girls can hear and I'm really worried about him. I'll call back…"

--------------------------------

_Shannon's been in the library for hours and she's amazed at how handy the 24-hour student library really is. Especially since she's spent the last two months angsting over her stupid high school ex who got his 'platonic' roommate pregnant the week after she left Philly for Berkeley. She forgot all about this paper._

_Yet another thing she can blame on his cheating ass. _

_She rubs her eyes and takes a gulp of the lukewarm coffee and clicks the mouse absently, the computer catalog scrolling onto a new page of possible sources. _

_Eureka, she thinks, spotting several books with articles that will fit perfectly with her previous research and scribbles down the numbers before gathering her things for a trip to the eighth floor. _

_It's after two am and the library is mostly deserted. She rides the elevator with a short Mexican lady with a mop and bucket that glares at her coffee cup and gets off on the sixth floor._

_She knows she can be in bed by four if these articles pan out – even if she doesn't quote them directly, she can still cite them as sources if she at least reads through them. _

_There's a random frat guy passed out over books and a laptop at the table by the shelves and she feels even guiltier for forgetting this paper when she sees what kind of other people are at the library at this hour. Her ex was a frat boy._

_She scans the shelves, following the numbers until she finds...an empty space. Every single book she needs is missing. _

_They were all listed as available so they must be in the library._

_She narrows her eyes and tries not to stomp her way over to the table and sleeping guy._

_Right away she sees one of the titles she needs through the curtain of blond hair hanging over the spine of the book he's using as a pillow. _

_Out of all the books in the nine floor library, this guy has hers. She clears her throat but he doesn't move. _

_She can't see if he's ugly or hot, but he's definitely got a body on him, his biceps alone are enough to make schoolgirls blush. Stupid men. She kicks the leg of his chair, pushing it back a few centimeters and he jolts awake with a grunt. _

_"Excuse me," she says sweetly. "But can I borrow your pillow?"_

_He looks at her with startling blue eyes and she gets a tingle in her gut. "What?" he blinks. He rubs his eyes with his hand and then looks at her again. "Was I sleeping?"_

_Not too bright. Figures. "Yeah. And I need those books," she says, motioning to his desk._

_"I've got a paper due tomorrow…"_

_"Me, too," she counters, crossing her arms. She doesn't want to throw down over some books, but she's prepared to. She has to turn in this paper or she's screwed. "It's really important."_

_"My paper's important, too," he grumbles. _

_"Surely you can't read them all at once," she says._

_"I can share…but I've got all my places marked and I have a system," he replies._

_"Look, dude…"_

_"Dude?" he scoffs. "Don't say dude."_

_"What?" _

_"You're not from California, it sounds stupid when you say it," he says. _

_She starts to tell him where he can go but stops when she sees the twinkle in his eyes. _

_"I'm sorry. Of course you can use the books, I'm tired and grouchy and really stressed about this fucking paper. Go ahead, take what you need and just…bring them back when you're done?" he says, smiling. _

_For some reason she can't deny that he's genuine and feels bad for being such a bitch. "I don't want to mess up your system," she says. God, she's flirting. _

_"I'll figure it out later. I think I need some coffee," he says, smiling again._

_She takes a chance on the fluttering in her stomach and pulls out the seat across from him. She takes a look at the books marked with pieces of notebook paper and receipts. _

_He sees her examining his system and blushes a little, making the flutter into a flip in her gut, and says, "I ran out of notebook paper."_

_"I won't lose your spots," she says, smiling back. _

_"Do you want some coffee? I'm going to run down to the café and get some," he says._

_"The café's closed."_

_"I happen to have a key. I work there," he says, stretching his arms and trying to work out the stiffness._

_She has to look away to keep from staring. "Sure, coffee would be…awesome."_

_"Cool. I'm Ryan."_

_"Shannon. Nice to meet you," she says, honestly._

-------------------------------

She called Kirsten as soon as she'd dropped the girls off at their classrooms, making an excuse for the teacher and arranging for a call later to confirm the dance trip plans instead of sticking around to meet with her.

"Shannon, I can't get Ryan on the phone, what's wrong?"

She forced herself to breathe as she drove back toward her house instead of the office. She'd already texted a message to her assistant that she wouldn't be in despite the meetings she had scheduled for today. It was nice to have an assistant. "Somebody called this morning and he left in a rush and the only thing he told me was that his father was dead. I immediately thought he meant Sandy…"

Kirsten was silent on the other end of the line for a long moment and Shannon thought she'd said the wrong thing. Before she could figure out what she needed to recant, Kirsten spoke. "I don't think I even know his father's name."

Shannon knew that Kirsten felt guilty too for not knowing anything about Ryan's father and despite the guilt it made her feel better to know that she wasn't alone in her ignorance of her husband's past.

"Where are you, honey? Come to the house. I know where Sandy keeps Ryan's legal papers and maybe we can find something to help us figure out where he's headed."

"I'll be right over," she replied, taking the next exit she saw for the freeway.

She wondered if she should be worried about what she'd find in her husband's 'legal papers'. She wondered if she should be worried that he had 'legal papers' at his parents' house.

Shannon might not know all the details about Ryan's early history, but she knew her husband. And Kirsten and Sandy were his parents.

----------------------------------

_"Are you sure I look okay?" she asks, glancing across the car at him. _

_They've been friends for two months, sleeping together for one and officially dating for three weeks. _

_She's never been happier. _

_Ryan's smart and witty and he doesn't talk exclusively about himself like most people do. He waits until she asks him a direct question before confiding anything, almost like he's surprised that she cares. And she definitely cares. There's something about him that just…clicks. He's faithful and loyal and sometimes she pinches herself – just to make sure it's not a dream that a man can make her this happy. _

_"You always look great," he mutters, distracted by the road. She glances outside at the huge mansions and foreign cars. Ryan works at the college café. _

_"You live here?"_

_"Yup," he replies._

_"What's wrong? I though you wanted me to meet your parents," Shannon says._

_"I do, it's not that," he says, turning to her with an unreadable expression on his face and his eyes still on the road. "It's…"_

_"What? Ryan…you told me about your girlfriend dying and how hard that was…and I know I'm the first real chick that you've dated since…so if I'm rushing you," she says, hoping that he'll stop her soon…_

_"Oh, god, no, Shannon…I want you to meet the Cohens - they're great and they're going to love you and interrogate you blind – but that's not why I'm quiet," he promises, slowing down and pulling up to a gate before stopping fully and turning back to face her. _

_"Then what is it?"_

_"I just found out today, but my brother's going to be there – Seth and his girlfriend, Summer."_

_Shannon shakes her head, still not understanding his issue. _

_He sighs guiltily. "And I haven't told him about you. Kirsten and Sandy have heard all about you, I even sent them the pictures of our trip to Cancun a couple of weeks ago…but Seth doesn't ever ask me about girls and I think it's because Summer's still hung up on Marissa," he says. _

_Marissa. Shannon is still hung up on the idea of Ryan's tragic girlfriend. She was beautiful in the pictures she's seen and she knows she can't compete with a memory for the broken pieces of Ryan's heart. She wants what's left. _

_"I'm trying to figure out what to say, but I know it's stupid because it's not like Summer's going to give me time to think – she's a little…quick to the snark," he sighs. _

_"Well, unless you're planning on taking me back to Berkeley and buying me lots of chocolate, you better pull yourself together," she says, leaning over and kissing him softly as a car behind them starts to blow the horn._

_"You're right. This is going to be fine," he says, giving her a pathetic imitation of a smile and pulls the car through the gate. _

_The house he parks outside of is humongous and she's not sure why she hasn't figured out how rich he is, but he definitely doesn't act like any rich guy she's ever known. _

_"Here we are. You got everything?" he asks. _

_"You're cute when you're nervous," Shannon teases and he relaxes and smiles a real smile. _

_"Ryan!" a voice squeals and a demure blonde woman appears outside his window. _

_He grins widely, sweeping her into a hug as he gets out. She gets a pang of jealousy but realizes quickly that she must be his mom. _

_She's gotten a blurb version of his background and knows that these people are his adopted family and hasn't pressed him further. She isn't that comfortable in the relationship yet. _

_"You look great," he tells her. "This is Shannon," he introduces. She's out of the car by now and a crowd is forming around them. _

_"Shannon, we've heard so much about you, I'm Kirsten," the woman says, giving her a friendly hug. "This is my husband Sandy, and that's Seth and his girlfriend, Summer," she explains._

_"Let's get in out of the street, the neighbors will think we're having another party and invite themselves over if we stay out too long," Sandy says and Shannon is relieved when Ryan puts his arm around her and guides her inside. _

_"So, Ryan, it looks like you haven't been telling us everything," Seth says, slipping close to Ryan and giving him a curious yet scolding glare. _

_"Shut up, Seth, I don't have to tell you everything," he replies. "Just because you have chronic diarrhea of the mouth doesn't mean it's contagious."_

_"Ooh, burn," Sandy chuckles. _

_"We're making our specialty tonight, just for you, Shannon," Kirsten says, taking her arm gently and steering her to a seat in the expansive kitchen at the counter. She places a worn Thai menu in front of her. _

_"Oh, Kirsten, you shouldn't go to all this trouble," Ryan says, winking at her. _

_"Just be glad she didn't cook for you, ask Summer, it's not exactly going to make you want to stick around," Sandy confides._

_Shannon glances at Summer and can sense immediately that Ryan was right. The petite girl is glaring at her with steely brown eyes. _

_It's only after an entertaining and exhausting dinner that Shannon gets separated from Ryan. She's been thoroughly grilled by Sandy and Kirsten, politely of course, and she's looking forward to a little time to breathe with her boyfriend. _

_But she ends up sitting with Seth in the kitchen, listening to him ramble about college and how much he loves the east coast and the snow and the cheese steaks._

_She hears Ryan's muted voice from outside and immediately tunes Seth out so she can hear what he's saying._

_"She's not right for you, Ryan, I'm just trying to look out for you," Summer's voice chirps. Shannon clenches her fists instinctively. She'll throw down if she has to…in his parents' backyard…she'll throw down for Ryan…_

_"What exactly makes you say that, Summer? You know her so well after staring at her over one dinner?" Ryan replies. Shannon smiles to herself. _

_"She's…"_

_"She's a great girl, she's smart and funny and she likes me – she likes me for who I am and not for what she thinks I am…"_

_"Marissa loved you!" Summer says suddenly and Shannon realizes that he's referencing Marissa. Seth's quiet now, but he doesn't say anything. _

_"Summer, Marissa's gone," Ryan says._

_"God, don't you think I know that? I'm just trying to look out for you…she's just not the girl for you."_

_"Summer, with all due respect, I don't exactly trust your judgment. I loved Marissa, you know that, but she was a train wreck. She got drunk, tried to kill herself, fell in love with other people…god, Summer, I'm so tired of having to be the glue that holds people together. I don't have to do that with Shannon…"_

_"You're such an ass, how can you talk about her like that?" Summer accuses. "How dare you?"_

_"I think that's my cue," Seth says, getting up. He pauses and looks back at Shannon. "You are good for him, you know. Summer's just…she misses Marissa and it's taking longer than we thought for her to get over losing her."_

_"I'm sorry about your friend," she says honestly. "But I really like Ryan, too."_

_Seth nods. "I can tell. Summer can tell, too, that's why she's flipping out. She'll come to her senses, we just weren't expecting him to meet someone so soon. I mean, it's been over a year, but…he hasn't said anything to us."_

_Ryan walks into the kitchen, flushed but a placid expression on his face. "What do you say we blow this joint, Shannon?"_

_"What? Already?" Seth asks. _

_Shannon watches curiously as Ryan gives his brother a look that immediately silences him. "Sure. Let me just get my coat and say goodbye to your parents."_

_"I'll come with," Ryan says, putting his arm around her shoulders again, but he's less relaxed than before. _

_"You all right?"_

_"Yeah, but Summer's not. I think it's best if we clear out. I had a good time and I'd like to keep the memory of the good part intact without attaching that last conversation," he whispers. _

_She feels warm all over knowing how he defended her to his brother's girlfriend and that he had a 'good time' tonight. She's going to make this work._

--------------------------------

"Okay, honey, I talked to Sandy and he's coming home at lunch to help us and he's making calls in the meantime when the court is in recess," Kirsten said as soon as she walked in. Shannon accepted her hug gratefully.

"I've never seen him like that, Kirsten, he just…left, he wouldn't talk to me and he wouldn't stop…"

"I honestly thought his father was already dead," Kirsten said, putting a cup of coffee in front of her.

"I don't know what I thought. I guess I just didn't think. I remember him telling me when we were first dating that his dad was in jail and he didn't talk to him. And you and Sandy are his family, you know? So it's not like I saw him moping around on Father's Day or anything…" Shannon said. "I can't believe that there's this whole part of him that I don't know anything about."

"I think we're all guilty of letting Ryan get away with his 'not wanting to talk about it' for too long," Kirsten replied. "I've met his real mom…so I know why he doesn't want to talk about it, and for a long time I wasn't sure of my place in his life so I didn't want to bring up his real family."

Shannon sipped from the coffee. "Do you think he knew he was out of jail?"

"I don't know. I know he was in for armed robbery but I don't know how much time he was sentenced to, or how much he served. I can't imagine what Ryan's going through right now…he's a grown man, but I still worry…and I'm not helping you at all, am I?" Kirsten realized.

"No, no, it's nice to talk it out. I've been married to him for eight years and I really needed to hear that I'm not the worst wife ever for not knowing all this," she admitted.

"Ryan's never talked about his family. I probably know just as much as you do. Sandy probably knows the most, but he's never let me see Ryan's case file that he handled when Ryan first came to live with us. And he told me when I called that Ryan's legal papers aren't here after all, they're in his office safe. Even after all this time, Sandy still doesn't want me to see it," Kirsten said.

"That's not fair," Shannon said. "This is an emergency…"

"He's coming home and he's already made several inquiries, Shannon. We can both yell at him when he gets home, but right now I think we should wait by the phone…and go through the poolhouse where Ryan's things are," she said.

Shannon accepted the offer and tried to relax.

---------------------------------

"My name's Ryan Atwood, I got a call from Officer Dennis Jenkins?" he said to the cop at the front desk.

He wasn't going to think about what the hell he was doing in LA. He wasn't going to think about his wife going nuts at home. He wasn't going to think about his mother locked up in her sixth try at rehab.

"Have a seat, I'll see if I can find him for you," the man said, recognizing the name.

He wasn't going to think about how he still felt like he was going to throw up every time he walked into a police station. He wasn't going to think about how he felt like he was going to explode when he called his brother's PO out in Fresno to tell him the news since Trey was missing again.

He'd barely put his ass down in the cracked seat when a thin middle-aged man in a uniform appeared, looking solemn. "Mr. Atwood?"

"Yes?" he answered, standing up and shaking the cop's hand.

"Thank you for coming so quickly, let's go somewhere we can talk privately."

He followed the man numbly into a small cluttered cubicle that had a picture of the cop with his kids on a boat in the center of his desk. His stomach churned.

"We identified your father through his fingerprints since he was a convicted felon. You were the only one of his relatives that we were able to contact. Your mother and brother have outdated information in our database," the cop said. "Were you in contact with your father?"

"No, not since he went to jail when I was eight," Ryan said automatically. "He called me when he was released a few years ago but…I didn't make any effort to reestablish contact with him."

The man nodded but Ryan couldn't tell if he was disapproving or just indifferent.

"Was he sick? Or murdered? What happened?" Ryan asked.

"It looks as if your father was living on the streets as a vagrant. It's been record-breakingly hot lately and it seems that with the combination of alcohol and malnutrition - his body just couldn't survive," he said.

It was that simple. He'd died on the street without a name, without a family and nowhere to go.

Ryan leaned over and threw up in the man's plastic trash can.

-----------------------

Shannon was flipping through one of the Playboys she'd found taped to the bottom of one of the desk drawers when her phone started to vibrate on her hip. She answered it without reading the display, anxious to hear something – anything – about where Ryan was.

Kirsten was keeping busy putting the things they'd searched back into their rightful place in the poolhouse. When Shannon and Ryan stayed over, they shared the poolhouse while the girls stayed in the big house with their grandparents. This was still his room even though he lived in his own house now. Ryan would know that they'd been rummaging but at this point she didn't care.

"Shannon?"

She recognized his voice immediately and she lost her breath. "Honey, where are you?"

There was a long pause and she heard the traffic and could tell his window was down. "I'm in L.A. on my way to the morgue to claim the body. Like…I sort of don't know what to do when I get there…I guess I have to find a funeral home or something to take care of the body and I don't know anywhere in LA…"

"Ryan, slow down," she said.

"But I saw that you called and I needed to hear your voice…" he said and she felt like she was going to start crying and never stop.

"Honey…let me help you deal with this, I am here for you…"

"This…this is my fault, Shannon. It's my fault he's dead…if I'd just answered the phone, called the number he left…maybe he wouldn't be here right now…"

"Ryan Atwood, I know that's not true," she insisted. Kirsten was beside her, listening to everything thanks to her phone's overactive speaker.

"I just…I'll call you when this is all done, all right? I'll see you at home…"

The dial tone was like someone had cut off her lifeline and she felt like she couldn't breathe. He was hurting, he was upset and he wouldn't let her help him. He was locking her out.

"Oh, honey," Kirsten murmured, pulling her into a hug.

"Why is he doing this?"

"I don't know, Shannon…he's changed so much but this is a part of his life that none of us know anything about…and I don't think he's let himself think about it in a long time, either. I don't think he knows what he's doing."

------------------

_She finds him right where she left him, on the bench outside of the engineering building. _

_She hates how he refuses to fight with her. She likes to fight sometimes, to get things off her chest and all the pent up emotion out of her system but he just shuts down. There's no angry make up sex or yelling matches that end up naked with him. _

_She gets a chill when she gets closer and sees that he really hasn't moved since their argument. His clothes are plastered to his skin and his backpack is sitting in the middle of a puddle. She grabs it automatically and drops it on the bench with a splash. "Your laptop's in there!" _

_He gives her a look that makes her go even colder, his blue eyes icy. _

_"Look, baby, I'm sorry, I needed time to cool down, I know you didn't do it on purpose…" she starts, thinking about what started her rant in the first place. _

_He doesn't look away, waiting for more of her apology. _

_"And I shouldn't have yelled at you in the middle of class…" she concedes. "Or outside of class…"_

_"We live together. We have a commitment to each other, even if it ends up being just the names on our lease," he says slowly and Shannon realizes just how serious he is. "I didn't think we discussed our problems out in public – in front of everyone, I thought you respected me enough to discuss our problems privately, but maybe you don't feel the same way."_

_"Ryan, you're blowing this way out of proportion," she starts. _

_"Maybe I am. Yes, I did mail the power bill without looking at it. No, I didn't know that you had written down an important number on the back of it," he says, standing up but stepping backwards when she reaches for him. "But you just humiliated me in front of a class that I have to go to three days a week, in front of my friends and the guy that I want to work for someday. I don't appreciate it," he states, turning away._

_"Please stay and talk to me, let's talk it out, I'm sorry, I love you and I don't want to lose you just because I got pissed off," Shannon says, following him with the soggy bag in her hand. _

_He turns around quickly, his eyes flashing. "You got pissed off? I get pissed off, too. But I don't yell and I don't bitch and I don't hurt you just because I'm pissed off," he snaps. "But obviously, I'm the one that's doing this wrong…"_

_She can't even think of what to say before he pushes a scrap of wet paper into her hand. _

_"And if you'd bothered to stop yelling long enough to listen to me, I would've give you that this morning. It's the phone number you needed. I called six different people to track it down," he says, leaving her stunned on the sidewalk with his bag in her hand. _

_She sleepwalks through her classes and rushes home, hoping that he'll be there, but he's not and there are no messages from him. She should have realized that there was something deeper to his reluctance to get involved in confrontation, but she hadn't thought that a simple argument would cause this kind of rift._

_It's after midnight when he comes in with several books in his arms. She's inwardly relieved to find out that he was at the library and curses herself for not thinking to check there. _

_Shannon doesn't give him a chance to say anything. She takes his books from him and throws her arms around him, not letting the flood of tears escape when she speaks. "When I yell at you it's not because I hate you or I'm going to leave you or any of those things. I was mad and I didn't listen…back home, when my family or friends were angry, we'd have it out, a long intense argument, and then the air was clear and we'd go back to normal…but you're not like that, I see that now…I just have to learn to how you California boys deal…"_

_He doesn't speak immediately and she regrets her words, thinking she's said something wrong._

_"It's not that…I just…I don't like to be yelled at," he murmurs, leaning against her and putting his arms around her. She isn't planning on letting go of him until they settle this. She loves him too much. _

_"Okay. I will try to remember that," she replies. "You definitely made it something I won't forget…" she adds._

_"Sorry. I…you know the Cohens are great, but the Atwoods…yelling was an everyday thing and I don't want us to be like that. I love you, Shannon, and I don't want us to be like that…"_

_She pulls back so she can show him that she means what she's saying. "Then we won't be. We'll be Shannon and Ryan and we won't yell."_

_He smiles a little, scoffing. "I don't know if I can make that promise…"_

_"No big promises, then. But I promise to try to listen to you and you promise me that you will try to talk to me before scaring the hell out of me."_

_"Deal."_

--------------------------

"All right," Sandy said, walking into the kitchen with a sigh. Kirsten stood up and gave him a hug but Shannon was too busy staring at the worn folder in his hand. "I found out where his father is and I spoke to the officer that contacted Ryan in the first place. He said he's pretty shaken up about it but said he'd try to get in touch with the people at the morgue to get him to call us."

"He said Ryan's shaken up? God, who wouldn't be?" Shannon asked.

"Ryan's father has been homeless since he was released from jail a couple of years ago, from what they can tell. He was discovered dead behind a dumpster and they ID'd him because he was a felon. Ryan was the only family member they could find. Dawn's in rehab again but I've called the clinic to let them know what happened.

Shannon was surprised to hear that Sandy knew where Ryan's mother was. Kirsten gave him a similar look and Sandy could read hers. "I helped get her admitted. She's running out of places that will take her."

"So…he stays in touch with her?" Shannon asked quietly.

"No, Shannon, he doesn't. But she calls me when she needs help, or money. Once Ryan reached a certain age, I started consulting him before doing anything for her," Sandy explained. "As far as I know, he hasn't spoken to her since the girls were born. She can't seem to pull herself together and he's finally accepted that she has to help herself and that he can't save her."

Shannon nodded, swallowing thickly. "So…his mom's a drunk, I knew that, and his dad's a felon, I knew that…but what's with all the secrecy? You keep his juvenile file locked in your office and I never heard a word about his father getting out of jail…how worried should I be?"

Sandy wouldn't look at her or Kirsten, running his finger over the spine of the folder.

"Sandy, he's 28 years old, I think it's about time we stopped pretending that he doesn't have a past," Kirsten said, straightening her shoulders.

The man sighed and Shannon watched as he seemed to age before her eyes. "Ryan and I have never actually talked about what's in this folder. I don't know if he's even seen what's inside. He knows I have it, I've tried to talk to him about it, but he…he doesn't talk about it." He meets Shannon's gaze. "I don't know what Ryan's told you…"

"More than Seth," she replied. Seth had been horrendously jealous of her after moving back to California and he'd made sure to mention how Ryan trusted her more than he did Seth. It pissed her off but she realized now that she really didn't know anything at all. "But not much."

"Ryan told me once, a long time ago, that if either of you ever asked me to see this that I could show it to you. But he made it clear that just because you see it, doesn't mean he's going to talk about it. He made that very clear," Sandy sighed. His phone buzzed and he pushed the folder across the counter between them. He raised the phone and stepped out of the kitchen.

"I used to tell Sandy that it was so easy to forget that he came from another family. And a family like his…it's unbelievable to me that he could turn out so kind and loving…he's got such a good heart," Kirsten whispered, not reaching for the file.

"I guess I never really thought about it. I see how much he loves you, you're his family in my head…and he's such a good father, he reminds me of Sandy…" Shannon said.

"Please, son, just stay right there and let us come and help you…you don't have to do this by yourself…" Sandy was pleading from the other room and she knew he was talking to Ryan. She started to get up but Kirsten stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"Let Sandy talk to him. We need to do this together, I don't want to look at it alone," Kirsten said.

Shannon nodded finally, still listening to see if she could make out any more of Sandy's words.

Kirsten finally opened the folder and Shannon glanced at the legalese on the page, scanning for Ryan's name. After a moment she realized that it was the police report from Dave Atwood's arrest.

"I didn't know they'd arrested him at home…in front of Ryan and Trey," Kirsten said.

"Armed robbery," Shannon read aloud.

Kirsten gasped quietly and laid a finger on the page at one of the lower paragraphs. "They didn't arrest him in front of Ryan..." she whispered.

_"Subject's children were taken into protective custody for evaluation. Older son had visible bruises and younger son also displayed bruises after a preliminary examination by police after they were discovered locked in a small closet. Subject's wife also displayed signs of abuse and was combative and violent and was taken into custody overnight for questioning."_


	2. two

_AN: All lyrics belong to Everclear. _

_Walking away from the circle  
Need to find myself  
I think I need to start over  
Need to start making sense  
Breathe out, breathe in  
I wish I could start all over again_

_Ryan knows better than to cry or scream or beat on the door - it will only take more of his breath and make his fists hurt and his heart pound harder when his dad finally lets him out of the closet. _

_He might be a little kid, but he doesn't think that this is normal. Trey might have failed another class but it isn't Trey's fault that he missed so much school._

_He tries to hear what's going on outside but he's breathing too hard and his heartbeat is pounding in his ears. He drags the back of his hand across his face and it comes away red. _

_Trey tries to look out for him and Ryan tries to look out back, but ever since Dad put the lock on the closet, they haven't been able to help each other for too long before being separated and locked away. Tonight, Ryan hadn't even had a chance to try to help his brother, he'd been shoved in the closet right after his father got home._

_He's even made a little seat from an old box of crushed Christmas ornaments and the tarp that they used to cover the car with before the men towed it away. _

_It's so fucking dark in here but at least he's safe. He feels guilty knowing what's probably happening to Trey but can't think about that. _

_A sob escapes his throat and he immediately stuffs his fist into his mouth. He's not a baby and he will not cry._

_Crying just makes his dad angrier, he learned that early._

_He pulls his feet up onto the box and puts his arms around his knees, swallowing a small trickle of blood as he tries to get control._

_The door swings open, blinding him with the light and he barely has time to get to his feet before Trey's slightly larger body knocks him back to the floor._

_He blinks at the light and catches sight of his father glaring at him. Ryan doesn't say anything but moves so Trey's shaking body is hopefully out of sight behind his tight embrace. _

_"You want to do his punishment with him? Be my guest, it'll be nice to have a few minutes to think without you brats around," his dad says, slamming the door again. The sound of the lock sliding into place is loud in his ears._

_"Ry?" Trey rasps._

_"I'm here, Trey," he whispers. _

_"'Sorry," Trey says. _

_Ryan fumbles until he finds what he's looking for – the lighter in his brother's pocket. He flicks it clumsily until the closet is illuminated and he can see his brother's swelling eye and the way he's holding his arm tight against his chest. He helps him get upright and has to let the flame go out when it starts to burn his finger._

_"You're shaking," Ryan says, pulling the coarse tarp from its place and tucking it around their shoulders. Trey leans his head against Ryan's shoulder once they're settled on the box and he puts his arm around his big brother to keep him from falling over. _

_"This blows," Trey murmurs. _

_Ryan wants Trey to stay awake and talk to him, he's scared of what'll happen if they have to stay in here too long because Trey looked pretty dazed to him from the lighter's flame._

_But Trey doesn't say anything else and Ryan's arm goes numb from holding him up and they sit in the dark until he can't even tell if his eyes are open or closed. _

------------------------------

"Ryan. Let me help you handle this. Please. We've come a long way from when you couldn't talk to me, haven't we? You know I'm here for you, I'm here to help and you don't have to do anything on your own anymore…"

He tuned out Sandy's words for a moment and sat down on the bench in front of the LA County Morgue.

The guy inside had given him a pamphlet with cute bulleted instructions with an FAQ of how to contact mortuary services in the local area and what to expect.

He didn't want to do this. He had Shannon and the girls now, he had Sandy and Kirsten…he hadn't had to deal with this sort of Atwood problems in a long time. Years. He hadn't even let himself think about it – he'd closed off this part of his brain and now it was all flooding back to him and he couldn't even think.

"Ryan?"

"I…okay," he whispered. "I…I need some help."

"Okay. Do you want me to come there?" Sandy asked immediately, his tone calm and soothing despite the conversation.

"I'm supposed to call the mortuary that's going to take care of his body. I was going to call someone here…but I hate LA…" Every time he took a step on the sidewalk – he wondered if he was walking over the spot where his father had died.

"I'll take care of everything…are you okay to drive?"

"I probably have to sign something…" Ryan said, closing his eyes and leaning forward.

"No, kid, I'll take care of it. The mortuary will handle everything, I'm acting on your behalf, just take a deep breath and when you feel steadier I want you to come home."

"Okay," he said. He wanted to come home. He wanted to see Shannon – even if she was pissed, he needed to see her.

-------------------------------------

_"Sandy and Kirsten are going to kill us," he murmurs, nuzzling on the soft flesh behind her ear. _

_She's completely enthralled with this man and she can't imagine going a day without being with him. She knows every inch of his skin, every spot that makes him moan – she wants to know everything else about him and she's not going anywhere until she does._

_Somehow between finishing their midterms and heading to Hawaii for fall break – they ended up in Vegas with a pair of $200.00 rings and a 'replacement' preacher that has more Elvis tattoos than anyone in the state of Nevada. Apparently the bona fide Elvis advertised in the phone book ad has mono. _

_"I'm telling my parents I was drunk. It's either that or lie and say I'm pregnant – either way, it's going to be worse for us back in Philly," she replies, turning to kiss him. _

_She knows this is crazy – she's not an impulsive person normally – but this feels as natural as breathing. He takes her like she is and doesn't want her to change and she's still mystified as to what he sees in her…but she knows a good thing when she feels it. And she feels this. They're still in college – they're still young and have their whole lives ahead of them, but she's found what she's looking for. _

_"Are you ready?" Tattooed man asks, buttoning a collar around his neck and untying his robe in a practiced flourish.. _

_She stares at his sequined Speedo and the intricate Elvis caricatures on his muscular skin._

_"Uh oh, you're looking at other men already," Ryan teases, but he's blushing too. She wasn't expecting…this._

_"Um, sir, are you going to do the ceremony like that?" she asks. _

_"It's my specialty. It's completely legal," the man smiles innocently and picks up a bible. "You're getting a discount already since the King's left the building."_

_"Yep, we better enjoy this because our parents are definitely going to kill us…" she tells Ryan. He kisses her deeply and she forgets all about naked tattoo guy and remembers that this is her wedding day._

-------------------------------------------

Shannon didn't want to do this but she had to. She had to call Summer. They were tentative friends now, family by default, but if it weren't for their husbands – they wouldn't be friends at all.

Summer and Seth's son was younger but it didn't stop Summer from always telling Shannon the correct way to raise her kids. She'd told Summer to go to hell just enough times to get her to shut the hell up. She didn't care where she lived, she wasn't going to make her daughters get all prissied up like a doll unless it was their choice.

Summer answered cheerily and Shannon cut right to the chase. "Can you pick up my girls from school this afternoon?"

"Shannon, I can't believe you're going to let work start taking your focus off your children, that's going to be the beginning of the end…" Summer started.

She rubbed her eyes. All she wanted was some time to talk to her husband without the kids – just a few minutes, or an hour, just a little time alone so she could talk to him about his dead father and the way the faded scars match up to the reports in that damned file. She just needed time to think and be his wife without having to be a mother at the same time.

"Do you really think I'd ask you to do this if it wasn't an emergency? Have I ever asked you to fucking pick up my kids before? Your daycare knows my goddamn name because I pick up your son so often and I've never asked you to get my girls before. Fuck you for making this day that much harder," she said, slamming the phone down despite it being a cell phone.

"Shannon?" Kirsten called, walking into the kitchen.

"I'm going to go pick up the girls and see if I can be back before he comes in," she said. Ryan was coming to his parents' house first to talk to Sandy about the arrangements. She needed to be here.

"I thought you were going to call Summer," Kirsten replied.

"She can't," Shannon answered, grabbing her purse. "Call me if he beats me back here?"

"Of course, are you bringing the girls?"

"It depends on how much they believe my story this time about where their daddy is. I've called the girl that sits for us and she's going to be out of cheerleading practice in an hour and can take them for a while," Shannon explained.

"All right, be careful, I don't like you driving when you're upset but I know you have to go," she acknowledged, giving her a gentle hug.

Shannon was safely on her way to the school with phrases from that file still floating in her head. The phone rang and she answered it quickly, hoping for Ryan. She really needed to hear his voice. The man she married was the same bruised little boy in those photos – he was being forced to tend to the man that had given him those bruises…She needed to hear his voice.

"Shannon, its Seth. What's going on? Summer called – said you went off on her…"

She rolled her eyes and maneuvered around traffic to try and get past the slow moving van.

"I thought you guys were cool…"

"Shut the fuck up," she snapped. She couldn't deal with Summer and Seth right now. Ryan had the patience of a saint – but she didn't. "I asked her for a favor and she preferred to give me a lecture. You'd know what was going on if you'd bothered to answer your phone all day - Kirsten and Sandy have been leaving you messages…"

"What? I left my phone at home, the battery was dead and Summer was supposed to charge it…"

Shannon scoffed. "Probably was out getting a manicure…"

"Hey…"

Summer was a full-time mother to her son, but she still put him in the overpriced Newport Nannies Daycare twice a week so she could 'run errands'. Shannon had a permanent dent in her tongue from where she had to bite it when the woman would talk about how hard she had it.

"Look, Seth, seems like you're not too busy to call and argue your wife's case, why don't you call your fucking parents instead of lecturing me, okay?"

"All right," Seth said calmly. Seth took her rants better than anyone else and she almost felt bad snapping at him when she knew he heard so many rants from his own wife. But he seemed to get that she didn't mean it.

"It's about Ryan. That's why I'm so on edge. I asked Summer to pick up the girls so I could try to talk to him alone and not in front of the girls. But whatever, she's busy. I'm handling it. It's good to know that we can depend on you guys," she added.

"Oh, Shannon, what is it?" Seth asked, his voice heavy with worry. He knew that something was wrong.

She knew that Seth would do anything for Ryan and regretted her words immediately. Ryan never asked for help and she was the same way – she only asked for help if she really needed it. Summer and Seth weren't like that and she shouldn't judge. It wasn't his fault… "Call your mom, okay? I'm sorry I'm bitchy, but there's a lot going on. I've got to go," she said, hanging up and parking outside of the school.

-----------------------------

_"You got married?" Kirsten asks, her eyes wide with surprise._

_"Um, yeah. We did. A couple of months ago. Over fall break," Ryan says, squeezing Shannon's hand reassuringly as she stands beside him in the living room. _

_She was excited about spending her first Christmas with Ryan, no matter what the hell they call it. He'd been accepted wholeheartedly into her own family when she'd taken him home to Philly the week before and she's hoping for an equal welcome here, without the gratuitous drinking and singing, of course. But after thinking long and hard about Ryan's closeness with his family and this huge bombshell, she convinced him to get a hotel room just in case…things go wrong. She hopes they won't need it. For Ryan's sake. _

_"You…you got married." Sandy repeats. _

_"It was kind of…sudden. And no, she's not pregnant or dying or anything," Ryan smiles, trying to break the spell of shock that's descended._

_"But…you can't get married, you're still in college," Seth stammers. _

_"We've been living together for over a year, we think we can handle the whole cohabitation part," Shannon says, winking at Ryan. He leads her over to sit in one of the plush chairs and she settles onto his lap. _

_"You got married…" Kirsten says quietly. She bursts into tears and rushes from the room. Summer glares at them and follows her after a beat. _

_"You couldn't pick up a phone? I talk to you almost every day and you didn't think we'd want to know?" Sandy asks._

_Ryan sighs. "Well, we were worried that you guys would get upset. Kind of like you are. And we're really happy and wanted to enjoy that as long as we could."_

_"Well, what did you expect us to say?" Sandy scoffs._

_"Congratulations maybe?" Ryan mutters under his breath. _

_Shannon sees that this isn't going to be the happy celebration she was expecting. The Cohens have always been welcoming and nice to her, apart from Summer, but it's clear that they didn't expect the relationship to be this serious. "I'm going to give you some time with them, I'll be at the hotel…" she whispers so only he can hear her. _

_"Shannon," he warns, trying to catch her gaze. _

_"It's okay, talk to your family, I'm not going anywhere," she promises, kissing him and squeezing his hand again before standing up. "I'll leave you all to talk to my husband."_

_"Where are you going?" Sandy asks her immediately. _

_"Shannon thought that you might react this way so we got a hotel room, just in case. I told her that it was nothing to worry about but I see now that I was wrong," Ryan replies. _

_"It's not that we don't like you, Shannon, we love you and you clearly love Ryan, this is just…"_

_"It's what I want. I want Shannon for the rest of my life. I'm sorry you can't understand that…but I'm trying to live my life for myself for the first time. This is what I want, I asked her to marry me because I love her and I don't want to waste another minute pretending that this isn't going to last forever," Ryan says. He stands up and puts his arm around Shannon. "I think I'll go with her. Let you guys talk. I don't need to talk about this because I'm not the one that has a problem with it."_

_"Ryan…" Seth calls as Shannon follows Ryan to the door. _

_"Keep walking," Ryan whispers. _

_"I don't want it to be like this, Ryan…they hate me…" Shannon replies once they're outside._

_"They don't hate you," Ryan promises, turning her to face him and kissing her gently. "And even if they do, I love you."_

_She giggles. She knows that. "Let's go be newlyweds and christen another hotel room."_

_"Sounds like the best Chrismukkah ever," he smiles. _

_She feels like shit after the initial announcement but Ryan lifts her spirits immediately, not letting his family's reaction affect them. They ignore Ryan's cell phone back at the hotel while they make love until it vibrates off the nightstand and she insists he answer it. _

_He doesn't say much but gives her a tired look after he hangs up. _

_"What?"_

_"They want us back to 'talk' first thing in the morning," he says. "You sure you want to go?"_

_"You're stuck with me," she replies, climbing on top of him again. _

_She's not sure what to expect the next morning – but she knows she can handle it with Ryan by her side. They gather the gifts they'd carried up to the suite from the car the previous night, told to arrive at Sandy and Kirsten's for 'brunch'._

_"Uh oh, this can't be good," Ryan mutters when he pulls into the driveway. There are strings of white lights hanging over the doorway._

_"It's Christmas, Ryan, maybe she didn't like the way it was yesterday," Shannon says but she's not sure either. The decorations the previous night were beautiful in their own right and she didn't know why they'd change them overnight. _

_The front door's open and Ryan doesn't knock, walking in and searching the den for his family. "Hello?" he calls._

_Sandy and Seth come rushing into the room immediately. "Ryan, you're early, thank god, come with us," Sandy says, giving Shannon a smile and pulling Ryan from the room._

_She stands there a moment, not sure what she's supposed to do._

_"Shannon, you're with me," Summer announces, walking into the living room. _

_"What?" _

_"Come on," she insists, taking her arm and leading her down the hall to the master bedroom. _

_"What's going on?" Shannon asks, stopping. She's not going another step until she knows what the hell is going on._

_"The reason Kirsten got so upset last night was because she wanted to see Ryan get married. It's, like, one of her wishes to see him get married and be happy and she really likes you and really wanted to be there," Summer explains, turning to her. "And I'm sorry that I've been such a bitch, but Ryan's a really good guy and I didn't want him to get hurt."_

_"I'm not hurting him."_

_"I know. And I'm sorry. You make him happy and I'm sorry it took me so long to see that. But it's Christmukkah and you're officially part of Cohen's family now. So, come on," Summer says, pushing her into the room._

_"Shannon, hi," Kirsten grins widely, embracing her. "Since you and Ryan have ruined my plans for having a big wedding and you haven't shown me any pictures of your ceremony, you're both going to have to indulge me today."_

_"What do you mean?" she asks when Kirsten releases her. _

_"I'm going to see a ceremony," Kirsten states. "Even if I have to put it together myself. Here. Today."_

_"Wait…" Shannon starts._

_"You're going to make her cry again on Christmas?" Summer says, piling on the guilt. _

_"These are dresses that we've borrowed from a shop that a friend of mine runs. You should pick one that you like because the photographer's coming at two," Kirsten adds. _

_"Kirsten…"_

_"Unless you have pictures to show me of my son in a tux and you in a white dress, I don't want to hear any arguing," Kirsten replies._

_"Meet 'The Kirsten'," Summer whispers, "you better do what she says."_

_"Okay," Shannon says, relenting. She's doesn't have any pictures of Ryan in a tux and all the hard work is done. She's married to the man of her dreams and if his family wants her in a dress, then she'll wear a dress. _

-----------------------------

Luckily, Colleen and Kelly seemed to have forgotten about their father's unusual disappearance in the morning and were bantering normally in the backseat while she tried to figure out how she could hold it together knowing that Ryan could be back in Newport any second. She'd decided to leave them with the sitter since they weren't upset and she wanted to keep them out of Ryan's hair as long as possible. She knew he loved them – but didn't want them to stress him any further than he already was.

So when she saw Ryan's car in the driveway, her heart stopped. She parked behind him automatically and turned off the car.

"Mommy?" Kelly called. "Why is Daddy home?"

"Listen girls, remember when I lost that really big contract and was upset and had a headache and you had to be really quiet and play in your rooms?"

"Did Daddy lose his job?" Colleen asked.

"No, honey, but I need to talk to him and I need you girls to be really good for me in case he's upset when we come in."

They glance at each other and nod decisively. "Okay. We'll be quiet…"

"All right. Let's go inside and I'll get you a snack and you can pick out a disk to watch okay?"

"Spongebob," Kelly said immediately.

"No, not again, Kelly," Colleen muttered.

Shannon could hear her heart beating in her ears when she opened the door and stepped into the kitchen.

Ryan was at the counter with slumped shoulders with one hand clenched tightly on the edge of the sink. He gave her a small smile, but his eyes were clouded.

"Hey, girls," he said, dropping down to one knee so he could each of his daughters a hug. "I missed you guys today."

"You don't have to miss us ever, Daddy, we'll always be here," Colleen said, her arms tightly around his neck.

A shudder seemed to run through him and he kissed her forehead. "I need to talk to your mommy, all right?"

"We know, we'll take our snack and watch a movie that's not Spongebob," Colleen replied.

Shannon impulsively pulled the chocolate cookies out of the cabinet and put several of them on a paper plate and got two small cartons of milk from the fridge.

Kelly took the plate of cookies and managed to control her excitement at the sight of chocolate and followed her sister out of the room.

Shannon waited for the click of a door closing before putting her arms around her husband. "You okay?"

"I don't think so. I thought I could do it myself, just take care of it…that because I didn't think about him that I'd forgotten…but I haven't forgotten…"

She held him tightly, his breath rapid and desperate against her neck. "Honey, you don't have to do anything by yourself anymore…I'm your partner, your wife, your life is my life and your problems are my problems…don't shut me out now, especially not now…"

"I think I might really need you right now, Shannon," he whispered.

--------------------------

_"You're what?" she asks her mother. _

_"We're getting a divorce. Come on, Shannon, you can't say that you thought we were happy…" her mother's tinny voice is staticky from her cell phone for a moment._

_"But divorce? You've been married twenty years," she says, stunned. She barely registers Ryan walking into the house and putting down his backpack. _

_"And we've hated each other's guts for the last ten, but we love our kids. Please don't make this a big thing, it's what we want and we're still your parents. It's an amicable split, Shannon."_

_"I can't believe this," she says. Ryan's hand is warm on her back and she leans against it. "Why now?"_

_"Well, you're married and settled, you'll be done with college in a year and our nest is empty."_

_"You stayed together for the kids? That's such bullshit…" _

_"Shannon…"_

_"I can't talk to you right now." She closes the phone with a snap and catches the fleshy part between her thumb and forefinger in the clasp, bursting into tears from the slight pain._

_"It's all right," Ryan murmurs and she buries her face in his shoulder and he raises her hand to his mouth and kisses the reddened spot gently, letting her cry._

_"They're splitting up…my parents, they've always been together…she says they hate each other, but…how could I not know?" she sobs._

_"You probably hid a lot of things from your parents, too…I'm sorry, Shannon."_

_She sniffs and realizes she's drooled all over his shirt and laughs a little as she wipes her tears. "No, I'm sorry, I just drooled all over your clothes."_

_"It's okay, I think that's allowed. What do you want to do?"_

_"I…I don't want to think about this anymore." _

_He nods, pulling her close again and she finds a dry spot on his other shoulder to lean her head. "They still love you, you know."_

_"I know. But…they've been married forever and if they couldn't stay married…"_

_"Slow down there," he says quietly. "Their problems have nothing to do with our marriage. We're taking this one day at a time and I love you every day…as long as you love me back, then we can totally beat their record…"_

_"You'll want me when I'm old and wrinkly and wearing a diaper?"_

_He nods. "I'll change your diaper…and not in a pervy way…"_

_"Oh, really!" she laughs, pushing him away. "You went straight to pervy in that scenario?"_

_"You know what I mean, if you're old and wrinkly and wearing a diaper…" he says, holding up his hands with a feigned look of seriousness._

_"I married a perv!" she says, squealing when he tackles her gently over the couch, pinning her against the cushions as she raises up to kiss him. _

_"I'm your perv, though," he says, kissing the salty traces of tears off her cheeks. _

---------------------

"I just needed to breathe and I didn't think I could deal with that stuff yet," Ryan admitted, sitting on the edge of the kitchen stool.

"You don't have to do anything right now," Shannon said, putting a cup of coffee in front of him.

He sighed, dragging a hand across his face tiredly. "But it's not Sandy's responsibility to bury my father."

"Ryan, look at me. We'll help you. We all need to get through this as a family," she said, finally reaching out and tapping his chin so he'd meet her gaze.

He nodded and took a deep breath. He picked up the phone and she squeezed his hand and pulled up the other stool to sit beside him.

"Sandy? Can I ask you another huge favor?" Ryan was quiet for a moment and then he smiled. "I know. Thanks. But I'm home, with Shannon and the girls and I was wondering if you could come here and fill me in…I don't feel like driving over…" Ryan glanced at Shannon for a moment before saying anything. "I threw up a few times, yeah…"

She was glad that at least he was telling Sandy the truth. Ryan usually told the truth and she felt better after today's revelations to know that he was still the same man she married now that she knew the real story behind his scars.

"I'll see you soon," he said, closing the phone.

"Good job, I'm proud of you," she said, putting a chocolate cookie in front of him.

He glanced at her, amused, picking up the cookie. "This is all I get?"

She kissed him for the first time since she'd come home and tasted the nicotine on his breath. Smoking. It pissed her off that it was still legal to buy cigarettes in this decade.

"Mmm. Now I feel better," he said when she pulled away. But he didn't eat the cookie and the smile slowly faded as he raised the coffee.

"I think you should rest until Sandy gets here. Come on," she said, sensing that he wasn't ready to talk yet and that he might need to save his words for Sandy. He let her lead him into the den and he stretched out on the couch.

"I have to tell the girls something. The truth," he said, closing his eyes as she maneuvered so she was cradling his head and shoulders on her lap.

"We'll tell them together. But you should close your eyes right now because you're going to have to tell me a few things first, okay?"

"I know. I…I didn't mean to lie to you."

"I don't think it was really a lie. But there are sixteen years of your life that were unaccounted for and I don't think you've ever told anybody the whole story. I know that I love you and that nothing's going to change that. I just wish you believed it enough to tell me the truth."

He didn't say anything. She stroked his chest absently, trying to think of what else she could say to get through to him.

"I haven't told anyone because I didn't want to have to say it out loud, make it real again." He didn't open his eyes and she didn't stop her repetitive patting of his chest, fearful of distracting him. "The first things I remember are good, you know? When Mom and Dad had jobs and didn't have to worry about feeding two kids or how to pay the rent…then Mom got fired, drunk and burned out. She yelled and Dad couldn't take it…he just got…mean. He hated noise, hated us, hated his life. Then dad went away, we moved to a new city and I had new things to be scared of. I actually missed him because the new guys Mom would bring home didn't have any reason to go easy on us. Then I got old enough to do stuff on my own, I didn't have to stay there, I could go to work or to school or over to Trey's..."

"Then you went to the Cohens'," Shannon said when she was sure he was done.

"Yeah. And it was so much easier to just…close the door on that part of my life. Mom's still a mess and Trey's in and out of jail and…my dad called me a couple of years ago."

"You didn't tell me."

"It was the day Kelly started preschool. He'd gotten five extra years for shanking a guard and he wanted to see me."

"What happened?"

"I didn't call the number he left - blocked the number. Went and picked up my daughters from school," he whispered. "I let him die."

"Ryan, there was nothing you could do…"

"I could've done something. I make enough money, I could've done something to give him a chance to try to get back on his feet…" he said, opening his eyes and pushing himself to a sitting position.

"I will not let you blame yourself for this, Ryan. He was a grown man and he had choices."

"I had choices too," he said.


	3. three

_I see you run around in circles__  
__I see you digging your own hole__  
__I see you fight the fights you just can't win__  
__I see you losing self control__  
__What it does to me deep down inside I hope you will never know_

_"Where's my brother?" he asks, not looking at the man that's crouching in front of him. _

_"We're taking care of him, he's got a hurt arm and we want to make sure…"_

_"It's not broken, its fine, doesn't even hurt him," he says. He can tell by the look in the man's eyes as he glimpses his face in the dim light of his living room that the man has heard the words before. _

_It's not the first time Ryan's had cops in his living room, he knows the drill. So does Trey._

_He just wants to see Trey. The door had swung open and instead of dad – cops were outside and they pulled him away from Trey. _

_"Ryan, we're going to take you to the doctor so he can take a look at you, okay? There's nothing to be scared of, we won't hurt you…" the man says, talking to Ryan like he's a little kid, like he's a baby._

_"I want to see my brother."_

_"I'll see what I can do. Will you come with me?" _

_Ryan glares at the hand held out in front of him. He doesn't want to go. He wants to stay here until Trey or his mom tells him that things are all right. He might not always like his family, but it's the only family he's got and he's damned well going to stay with them._

_He lowers his feet to the floor from the couch and ignores the hand. "Should I get my stuff?" he asks. Cops talking to him usually meant he'd have to share a bed with Trey in some stanky group home or a couch at a random shelter, if places were full. _

_"Let's do that, just in case." _

_Ryan rolls his eyes and leads the man to the room he shares with Trey. _

_Pigs are searching the house already, tearing up things that are already torn and Ryan sees the 'medicine' that his mom started taking a few months ago, for her sinuses. Sometimes she asks him to unknot the plastic bag for her since his fingers are smaller that hers. He keeps walking until he gets to his room._

_It pisses him off how the cops have already ransacked his stuff. Their room is the cleanest in the whole house and they are punished if their dad says their room is dirty and it's going to take forever for him to clean up where the fuckers have searched. _

_He knows better than to bitch and simply grabs his backpack and stuffs the cleanest clothes he can find inside. The man's watching him by the door but he doesn't get in a rush. And if the man would turn around – Ryan knew he can be out through the window before the man even knows he's gone. _

_But the man doesn't leave and Ryan grabs Trey's backpack as well and makes sure his brother has underwear and his toy GI Joe man that he insists isn't a doll. When he holds out the pack to the man – the dude just stares. _

_"For my brother. They don't always take us to the same place," he says, looking up at him. The man takes the backpack and leads him through his own house toward the front yard._

_Its chaos and the first thing he registers outside of the blinding flashes from the cop cars and the man's hand clamped on his shoulder is his father's voice._

_"Goddammit, I didn't do it! Let me go! I want a lawyer! This is fucking unbelievable!"_

_Ryan doesn't dare look over in his direction, he looks at his feet as he walks down the stairs and onto the patchy grass. _

_"Ryan, my baby! Don't take my baby!" his mother yells and he glimpses her in the backseat of a cop car, her eyes widely dilated from her 'medicine' and swollen from sobbing. _

_He wonders if she cried like that when the paramedics carted Trey off. _

_"Come on, son," the man says, squeezing his shoulder. _

_"I'm not your son," he mutters and lets the man steer him into an empty car. _

-----------------------------

Shannon watched Ryan from the hallway as he sat down between his daughters in Kelly's bedroom. Colleen muted the television where Shrek was pleading for the Donkey's freedom from the evil Fairy Godparents in _Shrek 5: Law and Order_.

She waited until he glanced back at her to walk in and sit down on the bed. She had to support him.

Despite her best efforts to forget them, the words from Ryan's file trickled into her mind as she watched him with his kids. _Signs of repeated mental and physical abuse. Antisocial behavior. Anger management problems throughout elementary school. _

She didn't know the Ryan in that file. She'd seen him angry a few times, but it was internalized. She'd never seen him throw a punch despite Seth's stories from high school.

Ryan had changed. Several times, it seemed.

"What's wrong, Daddy?" Kelly asked, climbing into his lap.

"I have something to tell you both, okay?" Ryan said.

They'd both agreed that the girls deserved an explanation. Colleen and Kelly knew that their grandparents weren't Ryan's biological family, but they'd never pushed the issue. They had smart girls and it was almost like they'd sensed that it wasn't something they should question too hard.

"All right. Is it about why you're sad?" Colleen asked.

"Yeah, baby, it is," he replied softly.

Shannon could see that Ryan's mood was already infecting the girls and the room seemed to be thick with tension. She moved behind Colleen and looped an arm around her shoulder so they were sitting in a tight circle.

"Do you remember when we told you how Kirsten and Sandy aren't my real parents?" Ryan asked.

"That's why you don't call them 'mommy' or 'daddy'," Kelly nodded.

"Yeah. Even though they're my parents now – I didn't live with them at first. I lived with my real parents…"

"What are their names?" Colleen interrupted. Shannon caught Ryan's gaze for an instant but he was focused on his daughters and she could see him fighting to keep his emotions in check.

"Dawn is my mom's name and my dad's name was Dave. I found out this morning that Dave has passed away," Ryan said.

"Your father…died?" Kelly whispered.

"Yes, honey."

"What happened to him?" Colleen asked.

Shannon saw Ryan struggling to think of what to say so she intervened immediately. "He was very sick, he hadn't taken care of himself and his body gave out."

"Why don't you talk to them anymore?" Kelly questioned after a long pause.

"They had a lot of problems and couldn't take care of me. That's when Sandy and Kirsten took me in. They took care of me and Dawn and Dave stopped being my parents."

"Are you and mommy going to stop being our parents?" Kelly replied, her eyes widening.

"Never," Ryan said, enveloping her into a hug and closing his eyes as he held her.

"We love you both very much and we're not going anywhere," Shannon said.

"My parents had a lot of problems, they didn't love me the way Shannon and I love you girls. It would kill us to lose either one of you," Ryan added. She didn't want to touch the first part of his statement.

"Your mom and dad were mean to you?" Colleen asked, looking at him.

"Sometimes. But that's all over now. I'm still your Daddy and nothing's going to change that, okay? If you have questions, ask us."

"So your daddy's in heaven now? Like Aunt Summer's daddy?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah. He is," Ryan said, only hesitating an instant.

Shannon could see Ryan's control wearing thin and she knew he was running out of words for the girls without revealing his shakiness. The doorbell was a godsend and as always, both children immediately snapped to attention, wanting to answer it.

"Go on," he said, nodding. Kelly gave him another hug and took off, chasing after Colleen to get the door.

"You okay?" she asked him.

"Yeah. I think I'm going to go take a shower, that's probably Sandy and I'm sure there's a lot of stuff we have to talk about."

"DADDY! IT'S FOR YOU!!" Colleen bellowed from the other room.

Shannon took his hand and was relieved when he squeezed it for reassurance. She'd always been a touchy-feely kind of girl and liked that he seemed to enjoy the contact.

She didn't recognize the man standing in the door. He was thin and wiry with shaggy sandy blond hair several shades darker than Ryan's.

"Trey," Ryan whispered.

"Hey, bro."

Shannon glanced at Ryan and could see that this really was his brother by the expression on his face.

"Daddy?" Kelly questioned.

"Kelly, Colleen, this is my brother, Trey," Ryan said slowly, walking forward to the door. Before he got to the threshold, Trey stepped forward and embraced him in a strong hug.

Shannon ushered the curious girls back to their room and told them to start picking out what toys they wanted to take to the sitter's house. She started to go in and supervise but Ryan called her name.

"Shannon, this is Trey. Trey, this is my wife."

"Wife, wow, it really has been a while," Trey said, offering his hand. She shook it, sizing him up but keeping her mouth shut. "Your kids are so cute, I just can't get over that this is all yours."

Ryan shrugged. "Who told you the news?"

"My PO. I have a work permit and go out on a fishing boat a couple of weeks a month and he had the dates listed wrong. He met me at the docks. Don't worry, I showered before I came," he smirked.

"Would you like something to drink?" Shannon asked politely, unsure of how this was going to go. She hadn't heard much about Trey from Ryan's mouth. She'd heard the story of him from Summer and Seth but this was her first meeting with him and she didn't want to judge him until she knew how Ryan felt about him.

"Sure. Water would be great," Trey replied, equally as polite. She went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water for him and a glass. When she returned to the den, the girls were standing by the couch where Ryan and Trey were sitting.

Trey's eyes were bright as he talked to the girls, asking them how old they were and what they liked to do – did they have a bike or a tractor – and the girls were enthralled by his gentle teasing and interest. Shannon couldn't get a handle on how Ryan felt about his brother's surprise visit. His face was completely blank.

Seth appeared then, never bothering to knock no matter how many times she'd threatened him. "Hey, Shannon. You still mad?"

Ryan glanced back at her, getting to his feet and walking over. "You guys are fighting again?"

"No, no," Seth started. Shannon could tell the exact moment he recognized Trey because he stopped speaking altogether. Seth was never silent.

"It's not a big deal, Seth," Ryan muttered. But Shannon saw that Seth didn't believe him.

-------------------------------------

_"She's killing me, dude, I swear, if she changes the color scheme one more time I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind," she hears Seth telling Ryan on the patio._

_"As upset as I was when I heard that you and Ryan had eloped and stolen my dream of seeing my son married…I'm sort of relieved that I don't have to go through a wedding like this twice," Kirsten smiles, holding out a glass of iced tea for her. _

_The nuptials of Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts are turning out to be a tedious process and everyone's feeling the strain. _

_"How many shades of lavender can there be in the world?" Seth continues._

_"Summer is definitely a…" she starts, trying to think of the polite term…_

_"Control freak?" Kirsten laughs. _

_She's close with Kirsten now that both she and Ryan have graduated from college. She thinks that Sandy and Kirsten were really only worried that Ryan would quit school and make babies with her after getting a ring on her finger. But despite that fear, they'd been crestfallen when Shannon had confessed that she didn't plan on having any babies. Even with that hanging over her, she feels fully accepted into their family. _

_"Yeah, something like that," Shannon agrees. _

_She isn't maid of honor, but she's one of the bridesmaids. Kaitlyn Cooper is Summer's maid of honor and seems to be a very nice girl when she's sober. But Shannon's grateful that she only had to deal with naked Elvis when she married Ryan. _

_Summer walks into the kitchen, her heels clicking on the tile and Shannon immediately tries to gauge her mood. The woman seems to be swinging from angry to tearful in a matter of moments and she's careful not to speak too soon._

_"Hi, Summer. Would you like some coffee?" Kirsten asks. _

_"Am I a bitch?" Summer asks. Shannon chokes on her tea._

_"Excuse me?" Kirsten replies._

_"Because I don't mean to be. I mean…Kaitlyn just called me a bitch and I'm thinking, she's one to know one with a mother like Julie Cooper, and I don't want to be a bitch…I just want a pretty wedding that I'll remember for the rest of my life and I can tell my kids about and people are so stupid everywhere that I go…" Summer begins._

_Kirsten glances at Shannon and reaches for the decaf. _

_"Do you think I'm a bitch?" Summer asks Shannon._

_"Oh, hey now, what's going on in my lovely parent's kitchen? Is that my beautiful fiancée interrogating the company?" Seth interrupts, walking in and putting a lanky arm around Summer._

_"Kaitlyn called me a bitch," Summer pouts._

_Shannon's always amazed at the change in Seth and Summer when they're together. Seth's manic and nonsensical to her most of the time and Summer's snarky and opinionated but when they're together, they're kind and funny and almost normal. _

_"We all know Kaitlyn's just practicing for her maid-of-honor toast," Seth teases, wincing when Summer slaps him across the chest._

_Ryan's hand is warm on Shannon's lower back as he leans in to kiss her cheek. _

_"You're not helping," Summer says._

_"I don't mean to sound like I'm talking out of turn, but really, is that the first time someone's called you a bitch?" Shannon asks._

_Summer smiles after everyone's laughter dies down and she shrugs. "I guess not…I'll try and lighten up a little…but somebody's got to find that little girl's fake ID."_

-------------------------------

"Did your father have any living relatives?" Sandy asked him, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

Trey glanced over at him, his arm slung across the back of the loveseat in Ryan's study. "There was, that chick, Aunt Jackie down in Palmdale, wasn't she his sister?"

Ryan remembered that name, but can't put a face to it. "I honestly don't know. We met his dad, once, he was in a nursing home though so he's probably dead."

"You remember going to his funeral?" Sandy asked, looking up at him through his wire-rimmed reading glasses. He was getting so old.

How long 'till Sandy died? Would he die alone like his real father?

"Nah, I think Dad just went to ask him for money, but he was all drooly," Trey replied.

Trey hadn't changed a bit. He hadn't seen him since that night in a Greyhound station all that time ago when Marissa was still alive and Sandy wasn't quite family and he didn't belong anywhere. Trey was exactly the same from what he'd seen so far.

"I don't remember him every talking about any family," Ryan stated, catching Sandy's worried look. Everyone seemed on edge with Trey in the house and he wasn't sure what they expected him to do. He didn't think they knew what they wanted him to do either.

"Mom would know much more than us, Mr. Cohen," Trey said.

"I spoke with Dawn earlier and she declined to get involved," Sandy said, taking off the glasses and putting down his pen. "She said that she couldn't thing of anyone that cared."

Trey snorted, stretching and rubbing his palms on his jeans. "Can't say I really disagree with her there. Ryan, honestly, I could give a fuck about Dad, but my PO said that you were the one that got saddled with all this and I didn't want you to have to do it on your own. Dad didn't have any savings or insurance or whatever and I'll go half with you on the burial and cremation and shit as long as it's not much over a couple of grand."

Sandy opened his mouth to say something but Ryan was truly touched that Trey would offer and reached over to pat his shoulder. "Thanks, man."

Trey shrugged. "He was my dad, too. It's the least I can do."

"What kind of service do you think he would want?" Sandy asked quietly.

"Who knows?" Ryan whispered. He was really out of his element here.

"Well, I was thinking. Dad didn't really believe in God, at least from what I can recall. He hated Jews and black people and Cubans and, well, us, so I don't think he'd really care what kind of service he'd have. Most funeral homes have an option to have a small service in their chapel and we can just put his obit in the paper and give whoever cares a chance to show up," Trey said. He was acting indifferent but Ryan could see through his mask.

"You seem to know what you're talking about," Ryan noted.

Trey shrugged. "I made some friends in prison, guys that didn't have anybody else. Some of them had cash put aside, or were vets, but it seemed to work out all right for the people that showed up to pay respects."

"Ryan?"

"Sounds fine. I mean, they can play some music, the guy can say a few words and we can all go home," Ryan said.

Sandy was staring at him and Trey was tapping his fingers on his knees. He managed to fight the urge to vomit on the carpet.

"All right. I'll make the arrangements," Sandy said after a beat.

"How about giving your brother a ride to the nearest Holiday Inn?" Trey asked quietly.

"Sure," Ryan said. He was inwardly relieved that he wouldn't have to talk about Trey crashing on his couch with Shannon.

"My girl works for this hotel chain and I get to stay free as long as it's in California," Trey added, getting up. "We can iron out the details tomorrow, can't we, Mr. Cohen?"

"Sure, Trey. Give Ryan your number and I'll call you in the morning," Sandy said.

Ryan followed his brother into the hallway and into the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Shannon asked, appearing out of nowhere by the door to the garage.

"I'm giving Trey a ride to a hotel. I'll be home soon," he said, giving her a one-armed hug. "I love you," he whispered in her ear.

-----------------------------------

_She doesn't hear him come in. She doesn't even know he's there until he puts his hand on her neck and its warmth gives her shivers and she thinks she's going to cry again. Or throw up. Neither is foreign to her these days._

_"Shannon? What's wrong? Are you still sick?" he asks, concern dripping off his words. He's so worried about her, insisting she go to the doctor and making her tea and being so caring… "Shannon?"_

_"I'm not sick," she whispers. _

_"What?"_

_"I'm not sick. Remember when I had that cold a few months back and I was on antibiotics?" she asks. She turns her head and sees that Ryan's sitting beside her on the couch, his arm behind her, not touching her but close enough that she can feel the heat from his bare arm against her back. _

_"Yeah? You said you weren't sick, what do antibiotics have to do with anything?" he asks._

_She laughs and it comes out in a sob. "I'm pregnant, Ryan…birth control doesn't work if you're on antibiotics and I seem to remember my husband saying something about sex doing wonders for the immune system…I'm pregnant, not sick…"_

_"Oh…" he whispers. _

_She waits for him to speak, to say something. He always makes her feel better, he always makes everything okay but he doesn't say anything. _

_"'Oh?' That's all?" she asks, turning to search his face._

_"Oh…well…what do you think? Like…how do you feel?" he asks, not looking at her. _

_"Ryan…I don't know how I feel, I never planned on kids…" she replies. "But…we have money and I love you and I know how great a father you would be so it's not like I really have a choice…"_

_"Shannon…you have a choice," Ryan says quietly._

_She shakes her head, looking away. "I don't have a choice…we're going to have a baby whether you like it or not," she admits, having made up her mind as soon as she'd seen the pink stick._

_"Shannon," he murmurs, nudging his nose against her cheek as he wraps his arms around her. "I like."_

_"What?"_

_"I want you to have my babies," he says, capturing her lips with his mouth._

_She laughs at the utter cheesiness of that line but she already feels better. He places a hand on her stomach, his palm covering her navel and leans back to look in her eyes. _

_"You've always said that you didn't want children and I've always told you that I would be with you either way…but I want this…if you do," he adds. _

_She smiles and relaxes slightly, knowing that he's still with her and he's not going to ditch her now that she's ruining her career and their life as untethered quasi-newlyweds._

_"Your mom's going to go nuts," Shannon says._

_"Kirsten? She's going to be small potatoes when Summer finds out that you're giving the Cohens their first grandchild…" Ryan replies. _

_He holds her close until she stops shaking and allows herself to believe that everything will be okay, that she'll be a good mother and won't drop the kid on its head or curse in front of it and that that she won't hate it…and Ryan's arms around her actually make her believe it._

------------------------------

Summer was making cookies in the kitchen, showing off her homemaker skills in order to apologize to Shannon for upsetting her earlier. Now that Ryan's news was out in the open, Summer and Seth were being wonderful again, apart from their veiled barbs at the mysterious Trey.

The girls were at the neighbor's house and Shannon was trying not to pace as she waited for Ryan to come back from driving his brother to a hotel.

Right now, she was cradling her sleeping nephew, Caleb Neil Cohen, in her arms but his peaceful slumber only made her more anxious to see her husband.

"I didn't expect Trey to show up," Sandy said, walking in and joining her on the couch. She placed the sleeping child in his arms and he grinned, a proud grandpa as always.

"How worried should I be?"

"I think it'll be okay. Trey said he just came to help Ryan with the arrangements. I don't think he's here to start anything. They decided on having a small service at the funeral home, no visitation, just the simple service. I've already called in the obituary to the papers in Chino, Fresno and here in town and the service will be in a couple of days so there will be time for people to make arrangements if they want to attend. I don't think Ryan would have made any definitive decisions if Trey hadn't stepped in."

Shannon sighed, taking in his words. Ryan was in some sort of daze, he was saying the right things, but nothing seemed to be penetrating his newly erected emotional walls. It had been gradual that she noticed it, after the girls had gone next door and before Sandy had taken him back – but there was definitely something going on with her husband's head.

"How are you doing?"

Shannon shrugged. "Just worried. Totally unprepared as to how to deal with this. I've been with him a long time, Sandy, I should have pestered this kind of information out of him."

"Join the crowd. I never pushed him to talk about his family. Especially his father. It always seemed like a sore point with him and I didn't want to do anything that would make him think I was pitying him…" Sandy admitted.

The door closed quietly and Shannon saw Ryan hanging up his coat with defeated shoulders. Kirsten appeared and immediately embraced him. "Honey, come over here and sit down…"

"I'm fine," he said, his eyes flickering around the room until he caught her gaze and smiled tiredly.

"You're not fine," she said.

He let Shannon put her arm around his shoulders and even leaned his head against her.

"Want to talk about it?" Seth asked quietly.

Shannon glanced around as Ryan's family came together around him. Sandy and Kirsten were on the couch with them and Seth and Summer were sitting across from them on the loveseat.

Ryan sighed. "Not much to say." No one said anything but finally, he continued. "I tried to forget about my father a long time ago. There must've been good times, but I don't remember any of them. Isn't that messed up? What kind of man does that make me?"

"Ryan…" Kirsten started.

"The funny thing is, Trey was telling me that Dad probably would have never paid to have us buried," Ryan muttered.

"You have nothing to feel guilty for, Ryan. Your father was out of your life for a long time, you have your own kids and wife to care for, he wasn't your responsibility," Sandy said softly.

"I can't help but feel guilty. Knowing he was out of jail, knowing that he didn't have anywhere to go and no resources to fall back on…I let him twist in the wind."

"Trey seems to be doing okay," Seth said. "He was twisting pretty good there last we heard."

Ryan sighed and Shannon squeezed his shoulders reassuringly.

"It's not your fault he couldn't be a man and take control of his own life," Sandy added.

"When my father died, Ryan, I kept thinking about all the things I could've done that would have made a difference, put him on a diet – made him take his beta blockers – but in the end, nothing I could've done would have changed the fact that it was his time to go. It was your father's time to go and no matter what…he never has to worry about anything again…" Summer said quietly.

Ryan finally seemed to hear them and nodded. "You're right, Summer."

"She's always right," Seth said. "At least that's what she tells me."

Ryan snorted and Shannon leaned forward so he could wind his arm around her back.

They'd get through this. Together.


	4. four

_Sometimes I feel like I am__  
__really lucky__  
__I have made it through__  
__Bruised and scarred__  
__And half alive_

_"What are you doing, Mom? Mom? Mom, you're scaring Ryan, will you please…" Trey starts._

_"God, will you shut the hell up for five goddamn minutes?" his mom yells, pulling back her hand to smack him._

_Trey closes his eyes and braces for impact and Ryan doesn't say anything. He's going to stay right here under the table until the yelling stops. His father might be gone, but the yelling seems to be a part of being an Atwood._

_He'd thought the nights spent in the crowded, smelly group home had been bad. The kid in the bed next to his was a bed-wetter and no matter how many times the people changed the sheets, it always smelled like piss. Then his mom had come for him and Trey had been bouncing excitedly in the front seat and for a little while, he'd thought that things might be going back to normal._

_But his father is gone. Permanently according to his mom. _

_She doesn't hit Trey, instead moves her hand to pretend that she never intended to hit him and shoves a box into his hands. "Go pack up your shit."_

_"What? Why?" Trey begs._

_"We're moving, that's why, now shut up and go pack your shit!" she says._

_Trey takes the box and drops it on the floor in a huff. "I'm not moving! Just because Dad got in trouble…"_

_The slap echoes through the kitchen. _

_"Shut up about your father. We don't talk about him ever again, you hear me? We don't need him and we're moving. We're leaving this shithole and we're going to have a whole new life without fuckheads like your father."_

_Trey runs from the room._

_Ryan doesn't move. His mom starts raking things out of the cabinets and sorting them into piles. He watches her silently. _

_"Ryan, come here and help your mama," she says after a moment, curling her finger toward him. _

_He doesn't want to be left behind and gets up, hurrying to her side. She threads her fingers through his hair and he tries to pretend that she isn't shaking. _

_"Go get me that bottle out of the fridge."_

_He knows which one she means._

-------------------------------

"So. You want to tell me about your brother?" Shannon asked him that night after they'd tucked the tired girls into bed and escorted the Cohens out after midnight.

"Now?" he asked, not looking at her. They were lying in bed, in the dark and even though this was when they usually got the best chance to talk to each other - he didn't feel like talking anymore.

"Better now than tomorrow when Summer and Seth are hissing at him over coffee," she answered softly, turning her eyes to search his as she curled up against his chest.

"True," he acknowledged, but didn't offer anything more. God, it was so fucking complicated, couldn't anybody see that?

But when he actually stopped panicking enough to think about it – he knew that these painful conversations were long overdue. He loved Shannon and fully intended to spend the rest of his life with her. And as much as he tried to ignore it, he had an Atwood side and he'd hidden it from her for too long.

"Come on, baby, if you're not going to sleep, you have to talk," she whispered.

"It's complicated." He said finally, forcing himself to speak. "I haven't seen him in years. Since before I got out of high school. Things were really…fucked up back then. He'd almost raped my girlfriend, we tried to kill each other and Marissa put him in a coma for three months with a bullet to the chest. He came out of the coma and just…walked away. And I let him. We didn't have anything else to say to each other. Not then."

"It's been a long time…and you just…"

"Moved on. Like I said, it's complicated," he repeated, thinking of how to put his feelings into words. He trusted Shannon. Even if he couldn't ever fully explain to the Cohens about his feelings about his real family for fear of hurting them, he knew that Shannon wouldn't judge him. She loved who he was now, and didn't know him when he was torn between two different lives.

"So how does it feel to see him now?"

"When we were kids…he was always there for me," Ryan whispered. "Always – I mean, we were a fucking team. Dad was such an asshole, but Trey and I were there for each other. And then when Dad was gone, everything changed. We were still close, but he was so pissed at Mom and I couldn't understand that. He'd always call me the 'suck up', but I guess I was always worried that Mom was going to disappear, too. We'd get jobs, Trey would fuck up and get fired and I'd keep the job…and somehow along the way, he started to hate me. I didn't even know…but after I moved in with the Cohens…it all came out. He couldn't deal with me ending up with a good family that gave me so many opportunities and I couldn't deal with him ruining everything like always."

He felt like he'd run a marathon, like Shannon should tell him how many prayers to say to ask for forgiveness.

But she leaned over and pushed her cold nose against his cheek. He smiled. Her nose was always cold.

"That's complicated," she whispered.

"I'm surprised he showed up here at all."

"You called him. For all you know, he could've been waiting all this time for you to call him…"

"I doubt that," Ryan replied.

"I don't think you should worry about all the unresolved feelings and issues between you right now. You called, Ryan, and he came. That's all that matters. Maybe he feels just as much guilt as you do."

Ryan hated that word. Guilt. It was like his shadow. And once he'd married Shannon, he'd made a promise that he would never put himself in a position to feel guilty for anything ever again. But somehow, he'd ignored all the baggage he had tucked away in his subconscious closet. And there was plenty of guilt in there to last him forever.

**----------------------------------- **

_The last thing Shannon remembers is the doctor putting the mask over her face and feeling Ryan's grip loosen in her hand. He'd promised not to leave her._

_She doesn't know what happened or how all the pain that she was feeling just melted away._

_But it's dark here. And quiet. _

_Something's dripping and beeping and she considers going back to sleep, but doesn't think that she should just nap when she can't hear what the doctors are saying. _

_"How is she?" a voice whispers. She can't place it, but its familiar and not a doctor or stranger._

_"Still asleep. I keep expecting her to wake up and cuss me out for letting this happen."_

_She knows that voice. Ryan. He sounds so sad. He's not supposed to be sad today._

_"How is any of this your fault?"_

_"I don't know. We knew childbirth would be hard, but this…I almost lost them both…"_

_Lost? She's not lost, she's right here…where's her daughter? _

_She opens her eyes and recognizes Kirsten's layered blonde hair standing beside her. She's in a hospital bed, there are tubes in her hand and a clip on her index finger. "Ryan?" Her throat is sore and dry._

_"Hey, baby," he says immediately, leaning into her vision. He's got dark circles under his eyes and the blue she recognizes is rimmed with red. "You gave us all a scare…"_

_"The baby?"_

_"The baby's fine. She's been awake more than you have the past few hours," he says and she lets out a sigh of relief. _

_"What happened?"_

_"You…you hemorrhaged, started bleeding out and they had to do an emergency c-section," he says, holding a cup up to her lips. She sips from the cool water and tries to process what he's saying._

_Kirsten's gone when he raises the bed and she feels the pain in her abdomen from the slight movement._

_"And the baby's all right?"_

_"Yes, Shannon, she's fine…she's a beautiful baby girl with a head-full of hair and her mama's smile," Ryan says, holding her hand in a vice grip._

_She gets a wave of relief and fear and love and anger and collapses into tears, clutching Ryan's shirt in her fingers and pulling him into a desperate hug. _

_But he's the one that speaks, whispering frantically in her ear. "You scared me so bad, Shannon, I thought I'd lost you, you were holding my hand and then you just let go and the doctors made me leave and they wouldn't tell me what was wrong and I thought that I lost my wife – that you'd left me…"_

_"Ryan…" she sniffs, tears streaming down her face._

_Kirsten clears her throat and Shannon sees over Ryan's shoulder that she's holding a small bundled blanket in her arms._

_Ryan steps back and Shannon doesn't react as Kirsten comes closer. She hears a muted yawn and looks into her sleepy daughter's blue eyes as she accepts the baby into her arms._

_"Colleen Atwood," Kirsten introduces._

_Everyone in the room starts crying then except the tiniest member of the family who simply watches them all with curious eyes. _

---------------------------------------

"So, what's the plan for today?" Summer asked, joining her in the kitchen.

Shannon hushes her softly, nodding toward the living room where Ryan was asleep on the couch with a daughter on each side, watching TV quietly.

"Is he all right? Like, is that normal?" Summer whispered.

"Yeah, its fine, they do it all the time," Shannon replied with a smile. Ryan would often come home from work exhausted and sit on the couch and Colleen and Kelly loved spending time with their daddy, even if he was asleep.

"Seth has to go into work for a couple of hours," Summer said, putting Caleb's carrier on the counter. Shannon paused long enough to tickle the baby and make him giggle before responding to her.

"I don't really know what there's going to be for you guys to do," she started. "But it's really great to have you here."

"Well, we started getting calls early this morning. Ryan's got a lot of friends and they've already seen the obit. I think you're going to have guests and nosy Newpsies blowing up your doorbell all day," Summer replied.

She should have expected that. Even though Newport housed some of the richest families in California, it still functioned like a small town with the gossip and the hypocrisy.

"You look beat," Summer added.

"He was up all night. I can't sleep when he's tossing and turning," Shannon replied.

"I know the feeling. Seth was up before dawn, babbling away about how this is his chance to prove to Ryan that he's a real brother. I think Trey showing up has shattered his confidence. But…I mean, Ryan doesn't talk to anyone about his family…he's not just keeping Seth in the dark, is he?"

Shannon sighed. "No, he's not singling anyone out. He just…doesn't talk about it."

"Morning, Summer," Ryan said, startling them both as he walked in with a yawn. He made a beeline for the baby. Shannon watched, amused. He'd always had some kind of magical touch with infants that no one could explain.

"How're you doing?" Summer asked as he cradled Caleb in his arms.

"All right, I guess. You're here early…you getting calls?" he questioned.

"A few. Seth's coming in after going into the office a few hours," Summer said.

"Cool," Ryan nodded, putting the baby back in the carrier once he started to drool on his shoulder.

"Where's Trey?" Summer asked, dodging Shannon's scolding glare.

"At the hotel, I guess. I'm going to pick him up soon," Ryan replied coolly.

"You sure he's going to be there? Not on a binge or something?" Summer whispered.

"Summer," Ryan sighed. "Look, I know that you don't like him…"

"I just don't see how you can let him back into your life…" she started.

"Stop," Ryan said before she could continue. "Did you know my father? Did you spend years of your life with him? You hate Trey and I can't tell you to stop, you know I have issues with him too but right now he's the only person within a 50 mile radius that knows the man that we're burying in a couple of days. He lost his father, too," Ryan finished, storming out of the room.

"I'm sorry," Summer whispered. "God, I'm just batting zero with the Atwoods these days."

"Yup," Shannon agreed. "Do me a favor, though? Go easy on him today."

"I will. I'll apologize and be civil to Trey because…he's right. No matter what issues I have with him, he lost his father."

Shannon left Summer in the kitchen as the girls rushed in to play with their cousin and went searching for Ryan.

She found him in the bathroom, splashing water on his face.

"Hey."

"Hey. Sorry about that," he murmured.

"I think it needed to be said," Shannon replied. "Summer forgets sometimes that the world doesn't revolve around her…"

Ryan smiled at her curiously. "I think I've said the same thing about Seth on occasion."

"Well, they do make a good match," she said, putting her arm around him.

"Trey and I are going to go over to the funeral home with Sandy to look at his body and figure out the rest of this stuff," he said quietly.

"You and Trey?"

He smiled at her again, visibly exhausted. "And you."

"Damn right. Summer's here so she can watch the kids and deal with the Newpsies that may show up to pay their respects…"

"Find out what's going on, you mean," he muttered.

"That, too. She'll probably enjoy that part of it anyway," Shannon added.

"True," Ryan replied, relaxing finally.

"You're sure you're ready for this?"

"Yeah."

------------------------------

_"Are you sure…"_

_"Shannon. Go to work," Kirsten tells her patiently. _

_She leans over the crib one last time to make sure Colleen is safely tucked in and settled. _

_Three months being a full time mom to her baby daughter and today she's going back to work._

_"Do you think I'm an awful mother?" she asks when Kirsten takes her arm and guides her out of the nursery. _

_"No, Shannon, you know I don't. I worked when Seth was small…"_

_"You told me you didn't go to work until he was in school," Shannon corrects her. _

_As much as she's itching to get back into the 'real world', she's also flailing with guilt for taking this job when Ryan makes enough money for her not to have to work. She loves Colleen and is torn between being a full time mother because she can be or following her dream since high school of being an editor. _

_"I know this is hard, but she's going to be fine," Kirsten repeats._

_Shannon's grateful that Kirsten volunteered to keep Colleen for them during the day. She isn't fully comfortable leaving her with strangers at daycare when she's so small._

_Sandy appears in the kitchen and smiles at her kindly. "Ah, I see someone's got the first day jitters."_

_"A little."_

_"When Kirsten dropped Seth off at kindergarten the first day, she cried all the way home," he says._

_"Not exactly helping, honey," Kirsten replies._

_"Okay, I'm going to stop being pathetic and go. Call me if…"_

_"I will, Shannon. Don't worry. Let us be glowing grandparents for a little while and we'll see you at four," Kirsten smiles. _

_She reluctantly makes her way to the driveway and freezes when she sees Ryan leaning against her car. _

_He's in his business suit like he wears to work and he's got his arms crossed across his chest. "Hey."_

_"What are you doing here?" she asks. She remembers kissing him goodbye less than an hour ago at her house. _

_"I wanted to see my wife and tell her how proud of her I am," he whispers, pulling her into a kiss. _

_"Mmm…yeah?"_

_"Yeah. I know this is hard, and it's not exactly where you saw yourself – but we have a beautiful healthy daughter and you're about to start a fancy new job and tonight you're going to sit down and have dinner with your handsome husband and tell me all about your great first day," he says huskily. His voice makes her melt and she feels the familiar rush as he murmurs into her ear. _

_"You're going to make me late," she says finally, forcing herself to pull back from his roaming mouth. _

_"Sorry. You just looked so…"_

_"Scared? Guilty? Nervous? All of the above?" Shannon laughs. _

_"A little," he admits. "But you're going to do fine and Colleen's going to be fine. I think you made Kirsten's life letting her babysit."_

_"I just hope Colleen doesn't grow up to be hyper and spoiled like Seth," Shannon teases._

_Ryan opens the door to her car for her. "We can only hope."_

-------------------------------------

Shannon knew that her hand was going to hurt later but she wouldn't dare take it away from Ryan's grip.

She'd reached out for his hand once they'd picked up Trey, sealing her place as 'shotgun' and the closer they got to the funeral home, the tighter he was squeezing.

Trey was doing his best to keep the mood light but Ryan wasn't feeling the levity and after the second glare into the rear view mirror, he'd stopped trying.

"So, how long have you guys been married?" Trey asked.

"A while," Ryan answered. "8 years."

Trey whistled. "Nice. So, how do you put up with him?"

"Patience," Shannon replied, giving Ryan a glance to let him know she was just making conversation.

"What about you?" Ryan asked, shifting attention.

"Oh, I've been with Rexanne for about 5 years," he replied. His voice dropped an octave as he continued, almost like he was afraid someone outside the car would overhear. "She found out she was pregnant before I went to jail the last time…and after all that shit we went through with Mom, I didn't want her to have to raise the kid all by herself so when I got out, I cleaned up my act."

"You've got a kid?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, four, actually. Rex is some kind of freak of nature – she's fertile like a bunny," Trey beamed. "But as many mistakes as I made in my own life, I think I'm a pretty good father most days."

Ryan smiled and his grip loosened on her hand as he relaxed.

"We'll have to introduce our kids one day, so they don't end up going to the same college and falling in love or some soap opera bullshit like that," Trey joked.

"True," Shannon acknowledged.

"There's Georgia and Austin and then the twins, Kansas and Steve," Trey said.

"Dude. Who names your kids?" Shannon asked, stifling a chuckle.

"God, I've heard it all," Trey laughed. "Rex has a thing about geography and since she's the one doing all the hard work, she gets to name the kids."

"What does Steve have to do with geography?" Ryan asked.

"Her brother's name was Steve," Trey answered. "He died when she was little and she said Steve looked just like him when he was born."

Shannon was surprised to see the effect Trey was having on Ryan. The more he talked, the less tense Ryan became. It was almost like the sound of his brother's voice soothed him.

"They might come down tomorrow for the service. Bring the older kids and leave the twins with her Mom," Trey said.

Ryan parked beside Sandy's new Lexus and took his hand away as he shifted into park.

"You ready for this, little brother?" Trey asked after a beat.

"He can't look worse than he did in the morgue," Ryan whispered.

"You saw him in the morgue?"

"Somebody had to ID him," Ryan replied.

Shannon immediately took his hand again once they were out of the car.

"It's been years, man…" Trey started.

"He had that tattoo on his neck, remember? That crooked-ass eagle with three eyes," Ryan replied quietly.

"Oh. Yeah. Never did get a chance to ask the bastard where he got that," Trey muttered.

"Right on time," Sandy said, greeting them by the entrance.

"Might as well get it overwith," Trey shrugged, shaking the mortician's hand as he stepped into the building.

Shannon returned Sandy's grateful smile and urged Ryan forward.

She watched as Ryan's eyes glazed over from the monotone of the funeral director's presentation.

15 minutes in, Trey spoke up. "Can you please cut to the chase? We don't need any of this touchy-feely stuff for our dad."

The man seemed nonplussed and Sandy even seemed relieved. He escorted them to a large room filled with coffins.

She put her arm around Ryan's waist to steady him and to reassure herself that he was breathing. He finally met her gaze and gave her a small smile. She could tell he was okay for now, but it didn't mean she wouldn't still watch him.

"Have you considered whether you want him cremated or where his body will be buried?" the mortician asked.

"Cremation," Ryan said in unison with Trey.

"All right. I'll go see if his body is ready for viewing yet."

"I should but his ashes in my cat's litter box," Trey muttered. Sandy gave him a look. "Sorry. That wouldn't be nice to Snowball, would it?"

---------------------------

_She puts down her briefcase and follows her ears to the living room. _

_It's a familiar scene with Ryan sprawled on the carpet with Colleen crawling on him like he's her personal jungle gym. _

_"I told you I would get her," Shannon says, sitting down on the couch as Colleen squeals with glee as she starts scrambling toward her._

_"Sorry. I got off early and thought I could save you a stop," Ryan says, his eyes sparkling as he reaches out to raise Colleen to her lap. _

_"Mama," Colleen says, wobbling as she leans forward to kiss Shannon on the cheek. _

_"Did she just say…" Ryan whispers._

_"Baby? Say it again…please? Who am I?" Shannon asks, excited. They've been waiting for weeks for Colleen to talk but it's almost like the child is teasing them with her silence. _

_Colleen giggles and pulls on the shiny clip in her mom's hair. _

_"You heard that right?" Shannon asks, turning to Ryan._

_"Yeah, I sure did…" Ryan replies._

_"Daddy," Colleen says, holding the clip in her hand triumphantly before spreading her arms for her father. _

_Ryan picks her up and is grinning widely as he spins her around before sitting down on the couch with Shannon. "Yes, Colleen, I'm your daddy!"_

_"Two for one! Go get the camera," Shannon says. She feels like she did the first time Ryan kissed her – like the moment she slid his ring on her finger – like the first time she held her daughter – it's better than all the drugs she tried in college combined. _

_"Daddy!" Colleen laughs, pushing the clip into Ryan's hair and clapping her hands. _

_"She's awesome!" Shannon announces. "We have a genius child!" _

_"With parents like us, what else did you expect?" Ryan teases._

_"Mama – hungy!" Colleen says._

_"You're a tricky little devil!" Shannon laughs. _

_"She's probably been talking for months, just not to us," Ryan agrees. _

_"Well, better give her what she wants and get the camera since you're lazy."_

_"Hey! I'm entertaining here!" Ryan protests. _

_Shannon gives him a look but he's so cute with the clip pushing his hair up haphazardly and their daughter pulling on his earlobes. "Hey, can I ask you something?"_

_"I'll try not to ignore you," he smirks._

_"What would you say about giving Colleen a little sister or brother?"_

_He stares at her with wide eyes. "Really?" he asks, surprised._

_"Yeah. Really. I...I talked to my doctor and she says that it would be totally safe, they'd just schedule me for a c-section right off the bat. What do you think?"_

_"Mama!! Hungy!" Colleen squeals, pausing in her exploration of her father's face for a moment. _

_"I think...yes. Absolutely - if you're sure...I would love to make more babies with you..."_

_She smacks him gently with the pillow to Colleen's extreme pleasure. _

--------------------------

She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but the thin pale corpse in the dark wood coffin wasn't it.

His hair was grey and brushed back onto the satin pillow to hide its length. His beard was trimmed but still thick on his chin and ran across his lip for a caterpillar mustache and up his cheeks for sideburns.

"His hair was all matted and dirty," Ryan said softly. "It must've been a bitch to brush it out."

"Whose suit?" Trey asked.

"We got it for him, Kirsten insisted," Sandy added.

"Thanks," Trey replied, nodding. He reached out and unbuttoned the top button of the shirt, fishing out a silver chain with a cross from underneath.

"It was with his things," Ryan murmured.

"You think he found God or something?" Trey asked.

Shannon didn't interrupt them and stepped back to stand beside Sandy. He patted her on the back to reassure her. Nobody liked funeral homes or dead people.

"I don't know. He had, like, the cross and a wallet with pictures of us in it. Nothing else. Not even a watch," Ryan said.

"He always wore a watch," Trey replied, nodding. "Things must've been real bad."

"Things were always bad with him, you know? I just don't get why this was different."

"Times change," Trey stated. "He might not have been able to adjust to the outside world. It is a big contrast being in jail or out. I mean, if it wasn't for Rexanne and the kids…I might be just like him."

"Rexanne?" Sandy whispered in Shannon's ear curiously.

"Wife, or something," Shannon replied equally quiet.

"You think I should've helped him?"

"You don't want to know what I think," Trey replied.

Ryan stared at him.

"We don't owe this bastard anything more than a kick in the teeth and he stole that from us, too. I don't think you should keep putting mom in rehab if she can't stay straight. They didn't do shit for you and you don't owe them anything," Trey replied. Sandy stiffened and Shannon had to put her hand on his arm to keep him from interfering in the intensifying discussion.

"Then why are you paying half of the funeral?"

"'Cause I owe you that. You never change, Ryan, you're always going to do the right thing – and even if it's not what I would do, I'm not going to flake out on something like this. I'd like to think I've changed a little since the last time we hung out."

Ryan was silent and Sandy still seemed itching to get between them.

"I think where we differ is that you think of Dad like he was a person with a soul…and I don't," Trey said finally.

"Fair enough," Ryan whispered.


End file.
